


Choosing Happiness

by Rocketbalm



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: J2, M/M, Supernatural and J2 Big Bang Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-04
Updated: 2012-07-04
Packaged: 2017-11-09 03:53:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/450948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rocketbalm/pseuds/Rocketbalm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared worked through his years as an awkward gay teen by always having a sketchbook with him, turning his love of drawing and story telling into a successful career as a graphic novelist.  His love/hate relationship with Jensen Ackles, his brother's best friend, insinuates itself into every area of his life, even after years of not seeing each other.  When Jared is asked to guest judge during San Antonio's Food and Wine festival, an event Jensen is hosting, their tumultuous relationship comes to a head.  Between great food and wine, they are thrust out of the frying pan and into the fire, with emotions and feelings coming to a rolling boil.  Question is, will either of them make it through to enjoy dessert?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Choosing Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> This is my 5th time doing the spn_j2_bigbang and I couldn't have done any of them without my incredible beta Tularia. She has beta'd every one of them with incredible care and insight. She's fixed my mistakes, both big and small (I like to think that every year I make less of them, but I know I'm deluding myself) and been the cheerleader I needed to get things done and actually post what I've written. Even with her busy life, she still finds time to fit me in and I am so incredibly grateful. I want to thank her for once again making my work look good, any mistakes that remain are my own, because I can't keep my fingers out of it. Thanks Tu, as always you rock!
> 
> This year's art work was provided by the lovely and talented angelicfoodcake -- she did a fantastic job. Her drawing captured young Jared and Jensen perfectly. I only wish I was half as talented. Thank you angelicfoodcake, it's truly wonderful!

 

CHAPTER ONE

Prologue, August 1988

 

The park was full of children; smaller ones in the playground itself, playing in the sandbox and taking turns on the swings. Nearby, a big grassy field held a makeshift soccer game of older kids, some teens playing frisbee and a few dogs giving chase to sticks. Moms and nannies sat on benches chatting, with only half an eye on the kids as they played. Jared's mom had made his older brother Jeff him bring him to the park and usually Jared was pretty easy to watch; content to play on his own and not bug the older kids too much. Sometimes Jeff even forgot to keep a close eye on him, knowing he wouldn't wander off or fall off the highest point on the monkey bars. It was in such a moment that Jared found himself trapped on the carousel by some older boys who were spinning it faster and faster hoping he would cry, puke or both.

Jared wasn't a baby; he was six and had been teased by his older brother enough to know that you didn't cry, no matter how much you wanted to. He felt his lower lip quiver and that funny feeling behind his eyes that signaled the onset of tears. He gripped the bar harder willing the tears away, but it was no good. He felt one fat tear drop start to roll down his cheek before being whipped away by the centrifugal force of the spinning play-structure.

"Mole Baby," the boys’ singsong voices taunted. He wasn't a baby, he wasn't. Even Jeff didn't call him a baby anymore and he couldn't help having a mole. Jared waffled between wanting to cry and wanting to yell and punch and kick out at them, but too afraid to let go and fall off.

From over the taunts he heard someone shout, "Hey, leave him alone!"

Jared heard the voice yell in his direction, he couldn't see who it was in the dizzying blur. Suddenly the ride came to a stop, smashing his hip against the rail and crushing his finger before he slid from the ride, falling in a crumpled heap on the sandy ground. Tears fell freely then, as he waited for the world to stop spinning while trying hard to focus on his finger, wanting to see if it was bleeding.

A gentle hand landed on his shoulder. "Are you ok?" an older boy asked as he slid onto the ground beside him. "Don't let those guys get to you they're just a bunch of bullies," the boy said, his green eyes narrowing in the direction the other boys had run off.

Jared stared. The boy was older, closer to Jeff's age than his own. His light brown hair streaked blond from the sun; a sprinkle of freckles peppered his nose and a smile that made Jared stop crying after one last hiccup escaped as he cradled his finger close to his chest.

"Let me see," the boy said, holding out his hand to look at Jared's finger. Jared slowly uncurled his hand and placed it in the boy’s warm palm. Very gently he checked it over, noting the redness where it had been pinched. "Looks ok, must have hurt though," he said, releasing Jared's hand.

Jared nodded, not quite ready to speak.

"I'm Jensen. Those guys go to my school and they're always picking on kids," he said with a shrug, "guess it was your turn today. Can't let them get to you."

"I hate them," Jared whispered. "They're mean and you saved me. My brother Jeff says I need to be braver. You were brave," he said earnestly.

The boy grinned broadly and leaned in, "That's because I'm a super hero."

"What?" Jared stammered, his eyes going wide. "Really?"

"Sure," Jensen said. "You can be too."

"I can?" Jared asked unbelievingly. "How?"

Jensen tugged Jared to stand up and walked him over to a knee-high ledge at the playground edge and sat down, drawing Jared down as well. "When those guys started teasing me about my freckles a few years back, I wanted to cry, but I knew they'd bug me worse. One day I was at home reading my comic books and decided I could be a Superhero too. I came up with the idea that when I rubbed the back of my neck I would turn into 'The Splotch' and all my freckles would chase them and splotch them with a puddle of goop. It made me brave and the next time they teased me I just stood there rubbing my neck glaring at them, imaging they were covered in Freckle goop. I guess because they couldn't make me cry they got bored and they never bugged me again."

Jared giggled imaging the bullies covered in goop and unable to get out, before looking at Jensen solemnly, "They called me 'mole baby' because of my moles," he said pointing to moles on his face.

Jensen grinned again. "Moles aren't that bad, freckles are worse," he said wrinkling his nose in disgust. "Okay so what superpower would you want? Flying? Legs so fast you outrun a jet or jump higher than a building or something really cool like turning your hands into ninja stars?"

Jared shook his head, lost in thought, before blurting out, "Fire! I want to be fire and melt everything around me."

It was Jensen's turn to giggle, "Cool! Ok so when you touch your moles, everything bursts into flames. You'll see, it totally works."

Jared scuffed his feet in the dirt, his throbbing finger almost forgotten as he basked in the attention of the older boy. Jeff didn't treat him like a baby anymore, but he never really talked to him either. Jensen was talking to him like he mattered, like he wasn't just an annoying little brother or scrawny little kid. Jensen made him feel special, even though he was sure there wasn't anything special about him.

"Try it now," Jensen urged. "Touch one of your moles and burn up that sign," he said pointing to the directional signage pointing to the washroom.

Jared shuffled nervously. "I don't know..." he mumbled uncertainly.

"Come on, you can do it. Just touch your mole and image that whole sign burning up," Jensen cajoled.

Jared grinned shyly and reached for a mole near his mouth, "like this?" he said as he glared at the sign feeling a little silly. He felt Jensen squeeze his shoulder and then it happened, the sign burst into imaginary flame. Jared started to giggle uncontrollably, Jensen joined in until the two of them were howling with glee.

"See I told you, you could do it!" Jensen grinned punching him lightly on the arm.

From behind them Jared's brother ran up shouting, "JT come on, Mom's going to kill us if we're late for dinner again!"

Jared looked from Jensen to Jeff and back again, "I, um, I gotta go," he stammered.

"Is this kid bugging you JT?" Jeff demanded, a little late for the real bullies, but protective all the same.

Jared shook his head vigorously, "No, he scared off the mean kids and he taught me how to be a superhero."

Jeff looked at the two of them skeptically. "Sure JT, now come on before Mom makes us stack firewood for being late."

Jared looked over at Jensen and stammered a thank you as he got up to go.

Jensen grinned up at him, "See you around JT, careful with that firewood."

Jared walked back home barely listening to his brother’s stories of football glory. He trailed slightly behind, touching his mole and setting fire to all sorts of imaginary foes, stopping short of Mrs. Finster's dog who bit him when he was four and barked every time they past her yard. He felt like he was floating rather than walking. It was like he could do anything!

He didn't know it then, but the gift that Jensen had given him would last a life time and as every year that passed the pedestal that he placed Jensen on grew higher. It was inevitable that the fall from that height would break one of them eventually.

 

 

 

CHAPTER TWO

Present - Thursday, May 17, 2012

 

It's hard to hate someone you looked up to for most of your childhood, Jared Padalecki thought, as he did his best not to let his face betray his feelings. When he'd been asked to be a guest judge for the Chef's Challenge at the San Antonio Wine and Food festival he hadn't hesitated. If there was anything that Jared loved more than drawing and writing, it was food. Being born and raised in Texas, who better to judge? Ok the wine part was not quite as tempting, give him a cold Shiner any day, but he could drink wine with the best of them. The only thing he hadn't taken into account was the host for the event was none other than Jensen Ackles, the man he adored as a boy, fantasized about as a teen and grew to despise as a young adult. He hadn't seen Jensen in years -- other than his show on television or heard him talk on the radio. Jared had watched as his second career took off and he once again became the darling of Texas; there was a book deal in the works.

The intervening years had tempered Jared; any anger he once had faded into a form of forgiveness, if there was anything to forgive in the first place, but too many things had passed between them to ever make them friends again. That didn't mean Jared didn't still think the man was attractive; hell, hot. If anything, time had managed to give Jensen a depth and wisdom that wasn't discernible in his youth. The man Jensen had become was far more appealing than the hot twink he had his first memorable wet dream about when he was twelve.

As quickly as his mind went there, Jared shelved all thoughts of Jensen that involved the words 'hot' and 'wet' as he waited patiently, knowing he was the first of the judges to arrive. The PA assigned to the judges had scurried off for the next arrival with the promise of a coffee on her return. Leaving him alone gave him the opportunity to survey the studio where the contest would take place and flip through the detailed itinerary and welcome package he was handed when he checked in.

The studio set had been modified from its usual cooking show that was filmed at the Culinary School and set up to accommodate the chef's challenge requirements. There were three chef's stations set up, the stainless steel countertops gleaming in the overhead lighting; stove tops and ovens set behind each station and behind that a pantry full of additional ingredients and equipment. Directly in front of the chef stations was a raised dais for the judges, with audience seating filling the rest of the room. The TV lighting was intimidating; he could feel the heat they generated already. He wondered briefly if the studio would be cooler for the challenge itself. He wasn't much of chef, but he could hold his own in the kitchen, and seeing all the equipment made him want to whip up something, if for no reason other than to keep from having to deal with Jensen.

When he had first entered the studio, Jensen had nodded acknowledgement in his direction, busy with whatever it took to put on such an event and have it filmed live for television. Jared had to admit he looked fantastic, nothing at all like the last time they had been in the same room together back when Jensen lost his best friend and a burgeoning career in on the PGA tour and was trying to drown his guilt in the bottom of a bottle of Jack. That Jensen had been barely able to dress himself in clean clothes, his hair unkempt and his skin the color of ashes, even his freckles were grey and blotchy. No, that Jensen was long gone. This Jensen was put together, but not in that TV-star-impossibly-impeccable kind of way. He wore dark, almost black, jeans, a pear-green button down shirt, his dark blond hair was without the product that gave it its distinctive lift in the front on his TV show. It looked soft and touchable now. Jared tried hard not to imagine the jean-clad ass in the familiar swim trunks he remembered him wearing. Imagining Jensen had never been an issue for Jared, it was trying not to imagine him that gave him problems.

Jared reached for his sketch book and started drawing familiar lines that he could probably still draw in his sleep. In a few strokes he had a modified manga style sketch of Jensen's profile mapped, a few more and full lips under an almost straight nose and a sprinkle of freckles. Becoming a graphic novelist tightened his sketching so that a few lines could tell a story. He still loved to draw, and on occasion paint, but the rapid-fire drawing style that made his books so well loved gave him the ability to do a quick sketch almost anywhere so that he could incorporate whatever he saw into his books. He wasn't sure what he'd use the sketch of Jensen for, just that he wanted to capture the moment. His conflicted feelings about his subject weren't new to him.

The studio door opened again and a flustered PA came in with two of the other judges and four cups of coffee. Jared guessed that the young blonde was Katie Cassidy, the radio personality from a local morning show and the older, but still attractive woman was Samantha Ferris the restaurant critic from the Chronicle. He hadn't met either before but he had read their bios in the information package he'd been given. The PA gave the hurried introductions and passed out coffee before taking the last cup across the room to where Jensen was still meeting with the production crew.

Jared liked both women instantly and enjoyed the banter that was already evolving between them. This might turn out to be a great gig after all, he thought, even as he glanced in Jensen's direction.

It took Katie a moment before she recognized his name and began to tell him which books of his she liked, which characters she hated and which ones she thought should get it on, while Sam, as she asked to be called, read messages on her phone jumping in occasionally to comment that her kids loved the books. "So do you use real people as the basis for your characters or make them up or a little of both?" Katie asked in rapid-fire patter.

"Depends, sometimes I draw something first and build a character around that,” Jared explained, "and other times I start with someone I know and grow the character to fit the story." People often forgot that he not only wrote the stories, but he drew all the art as well. Both dovetailed in his imagination to the point that it was hard to separate the two in his mind.

From across the room Jensen turned toward them and signaled he'd be a minute more. "Could that guy get any hotter? What does a girl need to do to get his undivided attention?" Katie said, not a least bit shy about eyeing Jensen up as she elbowed Jared. Jared ducked his head without responding, studying his info packet intently. Katie grabbed his arm, "Oh my God, he's gay isn't he?" She whispered far too excitedly looking back and forth between the two men.

Jared shrugged. Jensen's sexuality wasn't his to disclose either way. For all he knew Jensen slept with more woman than men these days. He certainly never kept track of his personal life over the years--or at least nothing outside what could be found in magazines or on television. He may have quasi-stalked him as a teen, but that crush had died a painful death years ago. Jensen walking toward them with a smile snapped Jared out of his reverie.

"Thanks so much for your patience. We had a few last minute things we wanted to get squared away before the crew went home tonight.” Jensen said apologetically. He turned to Sam, shaking her hand and giving her a peck on the cheek, "You're looking great Sam! It's been far too long." Jared wasn't surprised he knew Sam; she was a restaurant critic so professionally they would run in the same circles. After exchanging a few words he turned to Katie and gave her a three-quarter watt Jensen Ackles smile, enough heat to catch anyone off guard, but not enough to leave them speechless. Jared would know: he'd been both the recipient of the full Jensen Ackles smile and had witnessed others succumb first hand. "You must be Katie, I feel like we know each other already," he said. "Much nicer than a phone interview on the air."

"Glad to finally meet you up close and personal," she responded with a flash of white teeth and a twinkle in her eye. "Though I have to say you have a face that's much better suited for TV than radio."

Jared watched the interaction with interest, knowing that Katie had had Jensen on her radio program a few times, but obviously they had never met in person until now. Jensen turned toward him with his hand outstretched. Jared watched the moment unfold as if it were in slow motion. As he turned to face Jared for the first time, Jared watched as he steeled himself, his smile wavering uncertainly as he held out his hand. "Jared, good to see you again."

Jared nodded as he took the hand extended to him. He realized that after all they'd been through, it was as if it was the first time they'd ever shook hands. It wasn't, but Jared's body was ignoring that fact. Jensen's hand was slightly smaller than his, warm with a firm grip. Jared recognized he was staring at their hands and quickly let go, slipping his hands into his pockets, irritated at his own nervousness.

Katie elbowed him. "You never told me you guys knew each other. Do tell."

Jensen saved him any explanation with the Ackles smile employed to distract and directed fully at Katie. "Actually I knew Jared's brother. Jeff and I went to college together," he said directing them from the room to a sitting area essentially cutting off any further questions. "So I wanted to welcome you all personally and thank you for being part of this year's festival. We have a really ambitious event schedule and while you are only obligated to be part of the Chef's Challenge, we really hope you can join us as VIP guests for as many of the other events over the next four days that you choose. Tonight we have the stand up tasters dinner, sponsored this year by the Micro-breweries of Texas, so instead of wine we'll be having different micro-brewed beer with the chef's tasting menu of four of San Antonio's best restaurants. I'd love to have all of you join me."

Samantha smiled "Sounds fantastic Jensen, I wouldn't miss it." Katie quickly agreed as well, leaving only Jared.

Jared looked around the table at the expectant faces and quickly weighed the odds. Could he go and grab a bite without having to spend too much, if any, time with Jensen or would he be expected to socialize? Katie stared at him coolly from across the table and seemed to be evaluating him. She was a shrewd one; he certainly didn't need her digging around his personal business. If going would keep her from asking more personal questions he'd rather not answer, then it was worth having to talk to Jensen briefly. "Sure, yes, of course," he managed, noticing Jensen tampering down a look of surprise.

"That's great. I'll make sure Marci get's you all settled at the hotel and arranges for a driver for you. Please take a look at some of the other events and let Marci know if you'll be bringing a guest to any of them and she'll get you an additional ticket,” Jensen rose and motioned for the PM, Marci, Jared assumed, to join them. "Looking forward to seeing you all tonight. If you'll excuse me I need to catch up with the event organizer," he said nodding at someone that just entered the studio.

Jared watched as Jensen left. He couldn't deny the man was beautiful both coming and going. He knew better than to let his imagination wander down that road. That book had closed a long time ago and he was older and so much wiser than to be fooled by that beautiful facade again.

~~*~~*~~

Katie insisted on being his 'date' for the evening since Samantha was bringing her husband. Jared didn't mind, he quite enjoyed her company. She had a sharp tongue and a quick wit and was far more interesting than many of the other attendees. Jared figured she'd be a good buffer between himself and Jensen.

The event was held on the University of Texas at San Antonio campus at the AT&T Hotel & Conference Center. The ballroom was tastefully dressed in warm colors and muted lighting. Different tasting bars were scattered throughout the large airy room that made for mingling and moving from one area to the next. The evening was well attended, the food was incredible and Jared was more than happy tasting the different varieties of beer. He actually enjoyed hearing about the different microbreweries as they sampled each new round of beer. Katie made him laugh and he helped keep unwanted advances from other attendees at bay.

Jared was enjoying himself, forgetting Jensen and their odd history for the most part. It was well into the evening that Jensen found them, apologizing for not finding them earlier. Katie flirted outrageously in what Jared quickly realized was more for fun than any real intent. Thankfully it allowed him to step back and just observe without having to participate in the conversation. He took the opportunity to excuse himself and head to the men’s room.

Taking his time, he managed to get distracted on the way back by the dessert selection out on the terrace. He was enjoying his second petit four when Jensen sat on the low stone wall next to him, making him think back on the first day that they met so long ago on the playground. "I see the desserts found you. Some things never change," he said with a hint of humor.

Jared bit back a caustic retort and studiously wiped his mouth with a napkin. If Jensen had sought him out to speak to him, he would wait to see what he wanted. The silence stretched and Jensen began to fidget.

"Jared, I, well I'm really glad you came," he began nervously. "I wasn't sure you'd accept the invitation to be a judge when I recommended you to the committee, but I'm really glad you did."

Jared stared off straight ahead. He had no intention of being seduced by flattery no matter what the purpose was. "Why did you recommend me? I mean we haven't seen each other for years and our last meeting isn't exactly one either of us want to remember." He kept his voice low as not to attract attention to them, though there were very few people nearby.

Jensen glanced over at him, assessing. "I was hoping we'd get a chance to talk alone and I didn't think you'd talk to me if I showed up at your door," he answered quietly, not embarrassed, but determined.

Jared snorted, "Yeah probably not."

The warmth of the day was beginning to fade and the stone wall beneath them was cool. Jared could feel the heat coming off Jensen, their arms barely touching. He resisted his own body's betrayal, as it wanted to lean into the warmth and steal more of it when he felt Jensen's hand rest lightly on his leg.

"Look can we do this somewhere else. I'd really like to talk to you. If not tonight, sometime over the next four days"

All Jared could focus on was the hand on his leg. How many nights as a teen had he imagined just that? They were the sweet fantasies of a pubescent boy who knew what should come next but had no idea how to get there. Only now he more than knew what a hand on a leg could lead too, not that that was what Jensen was offering, but his body didn't seem to understand that and his mouth spoke before his brain could catch up.

"Yeah, sure."

Jensen raised an eyebrow in what seemed to be disbelief. "Ok, can you give me half an hour to tie some things up?"

Jared nodded, still acutely aware of where Jensen's hand had been even though it was long gone. He cursed himself for being remotely affected by the man. He'd worked Jensen out of his system years ago and the thought that he could be affected like this made him angry. Damn him. He had no right to be so conciliatory. Jared hadn't wanted to be angry with Jensen, just detached and it seemed he couldn't even do that. He was even more determined just to hear what Jensen had to say and finally bring closure to their decades-long story. As much as he didn't like the man Jensen had become, there was no denying that he had been his hero on more than one occasion, each affecting him in a profound way. The first time in the playground had given him confidence to stand up for himself and fostered a world of fantasy that had grown into the basis of his career. The second time was at Outdoor Leadership Camp and Jared still couldn't think of that time without flushing with embarrassment coupled with a surge of lust. Yes, Jensen had touched his formative years in ways Jared couldn't ever forget.

 

 

 

CHAPTER THREE

Outdoor Leadership Camp, June 1995

 

Being thirteen sucked. A lot. It sucked even more because Jared didn't hate camp, he didn't hate being outside, didn't hate the bugs, the food, or even the programs; he did hate some of the jerks that were in his class and more specifically in his cabin. Outdoor Leadership camp was a requirement in seventh grade if you wanted to be accepted for the Leadership program in high school. Jared really wanted to be accepted in Leadership. It meant in ninth grade he could be take one class a semester at the Southwest School of Art. They had a fantastic Visual Storytelling program he wanted to get into if his sketchbook survived the week at camp.

When he arrived at camp earlier in the week, he noticed Jensen right away. It took a few moments longer, prompted by hearing his unusual name, to recognize how he knew him. He was one of the senior high student councilors on other end of the Leadership program, back to assist with the newbies about to come into the program. He wasn't assigned to Jared's cabin, but they were in close proximity often enough for Jared to realize that while he remembered Jensen like it was yesterday, Jensen didn't remember him. It didn't help that he'd only met him once by his childhood nickname JT.

Jared suddenly realized that the nameless faceless stranger in his dreams wasn't so nameless or faceless; he just hadn't known the person Jensen had grown into until now. The realization began to dawn on him that it had always been Jensen, the boy from the park, who had been in his fantasies from the first time he began to realize that he might like boys and not girls. Jared took the opportunity to observe him at a distance, his sketchbook always close at hand. His drawings had started innocently enough. But he was a hormonal teenager just coming to terms with his sexuality and it didn't take long for his drawings to grow more and more erotic. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't stop himself.

The boys in his cabin were jerks, always making cracks about his sketchbook; mostly he had ignored them until today. Having so many hormonally charged teenagers in close quarters 24/7 was challenging enough, but for some reason his sketchbook or Jared's indifference to the rest of the group had become a flash point for some of them.

Their counselor left them alone for a few minutes after dinner, which usually lead to some testosterone-filled goofing around. Jimmy Torret usually lead the high-jinx, coupled with teasing and well placed jibes, not always good-natured. Today Jared and his sketchbook were once again his target.

While Jared distractedly rummaged one-handed for his flashlight in his pack, Jimmy grabbed his sketchbook out of his hand. He tried to snatch it back but the rest of the idiots joined in and started tossing it around keeping it high out of Jared's reach. The rubber band that Jared had used to keep the book closed held it shut. Then Jimmy started taking it off, laughing and taunting Jared that he wanted to see what kind of 'crap' was in there. Jared's anger and fear of discovery erupted and he began to shout and punch his way through the kids, trying his best to get to his book while Jimmy scrambled up on one of the bunks.

"Drop it Jimmy, right fudging now!" Jared yelled as the other boys held him back.

"Oooh, got some secrets in here Jared? You're always hanging out with Sandy McCoy, are you writing love notes to her?"

Jared struggled harder. Sandy was his best friend. She let him draw her so he could get girls right, they always looks off somehow when he drew them. Soft curves didn't work for him in more ways than one. Sandy would be really mad if Jimmy got to see those pictures, not that they were dirty, just a little more than she would ever want a prick like Jimmy to see.

"Give it back Jimmy or I'll..."

"Or you'll what? Beat me up? Don't make me laugh,” Jimmy jeered.

Jared blinked back angry tears. Instinctively he reached a hand up, pulling against Eric Harrison who held onto his arm and rubbed his mole, imagining Jimmy bursting into flame leaving nothing but a pile of ash.

He was concentrating so hard it took a moment to register a new voice in the mix.

"What is going on here?" Jensen said firmly, slamming the door open with a bang as he took in the scene. Jimmy none to discreetly tried hiding the sketchbook behind him. "You up there, give me that book," he said sternly holding out his hand.

The boys let Jared go and quickly went to their own beds as if they weren't involved. Jimmy reluctantly gave Jensen the book, noticeably unhappy that his fun was interrupted "He's drawing naked pictures of girls,” he whined.

Jared's head snapped around, his heart in his throat before the word 'girls' registered. None of Sandy's drawings were naked, so whatever Jimmy had seen; he exaggerated the rest hoping to get him in trouble. With relief he realized that he hadn't seen the other pictures, the ones that there was no explaining. Maybe, just maybe, Jensen wouldn't either.

Jensen put the sketchbook under his arm and surveyed the room. "Leadership isn't just being the person in charge, it's also being the one that steps in and does what's right in the face of adversity. Steve has a migraine and I came to check on his cabin for him and find you guys out of control. All of you out to the flag pole for some laps in single file. Except for you," he said pointing at Jared, "I'll be back to figure out what to do with this," he waved Jared's book in the air.

He sat alone in his cabin, his cheeks burning with embarrassment fighting to keep panic at bay. It was as if all his worst nightmares crashed together in one horrific train wreck of a moment. So Jared sat on the edge of his bunk with dread sitting heavy on his chest waiting for Jensen to return or maybe he'd already found the pictures and was in the process of turning him in to the teachers to have him expelled and together they were calling his parents. He didn't know what would be worse his parents finding out he was gay like this or Jensen finding the drawings and realizing they were of him.

It felt like an hour before the door opened and Jensen walked back in. Jared refused to lift his head to look at him, head bowed as if waiting his executioner.

Jensen sat down on the bunk across from him, forearms resting on his knees, the sketchbook in his hand. Jared fidgeted in the silence as it stretched between them for a good minute.

"Jared, right?" Jensen asked. Jared nodded his assent. "Okay Jared, uh, pretty awkward huh?" Jensen gave an uncomfortable laugh. "I get that this is pretty personal and I stopped after the um, the pictures became, well you know." Jared cringed knowing that Jensen had seen.

"I take it the guys don't know?" he asked softly.

Jared shook his head; Sandy was the only one he had told. It was still too new, he wasn't ready to be 'that guy' in school and he wasn't sure if he ever would be, but he wanted the choice not to be forced into a label he didn't even know how to fit himself. He was mortified that Jensen knew and how he found out just made it worse.

"Ok so here's the thing, Jimmy didn't see anything but the pictures of the girl and there wasn't anything wrong with those. Not that there is anything wrong about, you know..." Jensen flustered, he paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "Inappropriate for camp, you know?"

Jared began to think that Jensen had either not seen the drawings that featured him or he hadn't recognized himself in them. He would hardly be okay with it if he had. Would he? Jared couldn't think straight, his cheeks were ablaze with embarrassment, only feeling slightly better that Jensen was feeling embarrassed as well.

Jensen got up and started pacing. "Leadership training just doesn't prepare you for this shit and it's important and I don't want to fuck it up."

Jared's looked up at the swearing. Leadership camp didn't allow swearing so it sounded harsher than it would in the real world.

Jensen took a deep breath. "Look, I know what it's like to be a kid and have a secret so big you worry all the time that someone will find out. Which is why I just don't get why you would risk this," he said shaking the sketchbook, "around them."

Jared hung his head again and hunched his shoulders as if he was curling into himself. "I... I didn't start out drawing them, they just kind of happened," he stammered.

Jensen sat down again. "I think it would be better for everyone if I kept this." Jared jerked his head up in disbelief and Jensen held up a conciliatory hand.

"Just until the end of camp. I'll see if I can find you something else in the mean time. We'll have to make a bit of a show about it; you'll have to seem contrite. Okay?"

Jared stared at the book in Jensen's hand. If Jensen hadn't seen the pictures yet, would he look through them if he kept the book? Would he hunt Jared down and beat the crap out of him when he did? It was one thing to be okay with someone being gay, it was quite another to know that they were having gay fantasies about you.

"Jared?" Jensen asked with concern at Jared's obvious check out.

"Yeah, I mean yes that's, um, fine," he managed. He just wanted to crawl in a corner and disappear. No matter how great Jensen was being, he would hate him when he found out. He couldn't be more humiliated.

"Jared, do you need a minute? I don't think Jimmy saw anything; he just has a big mouth. Really I don't think you have anything to worry about Jared, I won't betray your trust." Jensen said trying to comfort him and only succeeded in making him feel worse. Still concerned, Jensen sat next to him on the bunk and put his hand on Jared's shoulder. It was the same thing he did back when he was six on the playground, something that Jared relived many times over the years. He savored the moment, knowing there wouldn't be another.

"I know you don't believe it, but it does get better. Assholes in high school are still assholes in the real world, but you find your way. You figure out whom you can trust. You'll see, everything seems so larger than life now and really it's a drop in the bucket of life. You'll laugh about this in college, I guarantee it," Jensen said kindly.

Jared couldn't image looking back and ever finding any of this situation funny. Jensen was probably right; it just didn't feel like he'd ever get there.

"I'm going to get the guys back in here. You going to be okay?" Jensen patted him on the back one last time before he ducked to rise from the bunk. "Hang tight; it'll be fine Jared, you'll see."

Once again Jared sat and waited, his mind sketched frames of what would happen next as if he lived in a graphic novel, every frame more ominous than the last. He was lost in thought when the door to the cabin opened again and the rest of the boys filed in. Once each boy had come in and sat chastened on their bunk, Jensen spoke.

"I'm only going to say this once. Leaders treat others and their belongings with respect. They don't steal other people's private property to poke fun at them and they don't lie about it afterwards," he paused and looked directly at Jared, who would swear he caught the hint of a wink when he started talking. "Leaders also know what is appropriate and inappropriate in any situation. While you had the expectation of privacy, you should have known not to bring this," he waved the book, "to camp. I'm keeping this for now. If I hear another peep out of this cabin tonight, I'm writing all of you up for demerits toward your final mark. Got it?" He asked rhetorically and was echoed with a choppy chorus of 'got it' in return.

~~*~~*~~

Jared laid low the rest of the week, never sure if he was completely in the clear or if the next teacher would haul him off to call his parents and send him home. The tension was excruciating. He did his best to avoid being around Jensen or at least if they were in the same vicinity to keep his head down so they didn't make eye contact. Internally he still cringed every time he saw Jensen, expecting him to punch him or expose him in some way. But Jensen never did, in fact he went out of his way to make sure Jared was doing okay without being obvious. Jared couldn't figure it out, other than Jensen truly hadn't seen the pictures or at least not all of them.

His only relief came when Jared managed to tell the whole story in hushed whispers to Sandy one afternoon during a hike. She was mortified for him and wondered if Jensen just couldn't see himself in the pictures because he didn't see himself as someone that Jared would want. Granted the manga style drawings weren't perfect, but Sandy had been able to guess who he'd been drawing immediately when he had shown her one of his more tame efforts earlier in the week. It was baffling.

The last day of camp came none too soon as Jared managed to avoid the final night bonfire where they handed out awards by feigning a headache. He was surprised to learn that he had won a creativity award which made him flush with equal measures of pride and embarrassment and glad he hadn't been there to accept since Jensen had been the one presenting. The boys in the cabin had been chagrinned by whatever Jensen had said to them and in the end had moved on without much more than a few good-natured nudges here and there.

On the last day of camp as everyone was loading their bags into the bus, Jensen found Jared one last time. With a wink, Jensen gave Jared his book back. Then, in a voice pitched just loud enough for the other boys to hear, but not loud enough for the teachers, he said with a glint in his eyes, "I still don't get why they'd want to piss off the person who could draw them their own personal stash of porn." And then in a tone just for Jared's ears he added, "Hope the guy in the drawings knows how lucky he is," before he slowly walked over to join the other student counselors gathered near a battered jeep.

Everything seemed to stop for a split second including Jared's heart and then everything carried on as normal, the boys shoving one another into girls, the girls pretending to be upset, teachers doing last minute checks; normal. But really, nothing would ever be quite the same after that.

 

 

 

CHAPTER FOUR

Present - Thursday, May 17, 2012

 

Jared had left Katie with Sam and her husband, pleading a headache and feeling a little guilty for the lie, but not enough to stay. It was going to be a long weekend if he had to keep avoiding Jensen the whole time and it was time to not only move on in his head, but in reality as well.

Just over an hour later he found himself sitting across from Jensen at scarred table in a well-worn booth of a small diner. He remembered another diner that had been the catalyst for Jensen to reset his whole life plan and how different things had been.

After the exquisite food back at the festival the peach pie and double chocolate cake they ordered was comforting in their simplicity. The coffee was black and hot with a hint of cinnamon. Seeing Jensen in such a humble setting mellowed him, as he was sure was the intent.

"You've really done well Jared," Jensen said, sipping his coffee. "I've enjoyed every book."

Surprised, Jared stared intently at his pie and wondered if Jensen had seen himself in his first book. It wasn't a flattering portrayal or at least it didn't end that way.

"You enjoy graphic novels, do you? I always thought of you more as a Golf Digest kind of guy."

Jensen flushed, his freckles darkening, something that always fascinated Jared. "I don't keep up with golf that much anymore other than the odd round here and there," he said with a shrug.

No matter how unintentional, Jared hadn't meant to go there, he felt shame wash over him. No matter how Jensen had angered him in the past, he knew what it had cost him to lose his golf career. He had seen Jensen in the pit of that despair and he never intended to bring it up as a slight.

"I only meant..." he started.

"It's okay Jared, I know what you meant. No harm done," Jensen said fidgeting with the sugar packets on the table. "I actually wanted to thank you."

That was unexpected. Jared studied Jensen for a moment. "For what?"

"For kicking my ass when no one else would. For not allowing me to keep the crutch to keep beating myself up with. For not hating me," Jensen answered quietly.

Jared didn't know what to say. He didn't think he ever hated Jensen, not really. Not even when his brother Jeff died. He wondered not for the first time how they had known each other for so long, played important roles in each other's lives yet they rarely talked. Despite all the reasons he had for wanting distance from Jensen, maybe it was time for them to talk it all through, get some closure for both of them.

"I never hated you Jensen. I was angry, hurt, even humiliated, but I've never hated you."

Jensen looked at him closely, trying to determine his veracity. "Really?" he asked. "After reading your first book I wasn't so sure."

Jared looked down sheepishly, apparently the character, O2, was more transparent than he thought. O2 was a super hero who started out saving people and doing good and then turned to the dark side. He'd never written a follow-up though many people wanted to know what happened to O2. He just never felt like continuing the story. He dropped it for his first very successful series, Elements.

"Well I was still young and not immune to acting out when I got my feelings hurt," he tried to dismiss it as nothing. "I’m wearing my big boy pants now and I don't let little things get to me anymore."

The waitress came and refilled their coffee and cleared their plates.

Jensen cocked his head and study Jared intensely. "You know, we've never talked. We've argued, we've got through tough times, even shared a couple of laughs way back when, but we've never ever just talked as adults." He sipped his coffee and looked off in the distance deep in thought before he continued, "I never had a better friend than Jeff and I imagine you feel the same way about him as your brother. I realized that there is no one else in the world with the shared memories of Jeff that you and I have. You knew him in a different way than your parents did, he adored you and I know you shared a lot; more than most brothers. The things we shared were more than most friends. Together we knew him better than anyone and some days I still miss him so much it hurts. I thought maybe you missed him like that too and I wanted to get past whatever happened between us so we could have a space where we share that. To remember him exactly as he was," Jensen stopped abruptly as if he thought he'd said too much or as if the words wouldn't be welcome. Jared could see how desperate Jensen was for him to understand and so worried that he wouldn't or that his offer would be rejected.

Jared wondered if he had ever seen Jensen like this before. Vulnerable. Even when he was in the depths of his depression after Jeff died, he wasn't vulnerable. Defiant, yes; in denial, definitely; but not vulnerable, never that. Jared had suspected that Jensen wanted to apologize for the trouble he'd caused during that time and he had. But he never expected this. It took him a moment to really understand what Jensen had said. All of it true, right down to the pain of missing his brother some days. No one knew Jeff better than the two of them, the shared experiences they had would only be remembered separately and until they faded or became hollow remembrances of themselves if they didn't share those memories together.

It was easy to forget everything else in that moment. The common love of Jeff was too important to lose over something so seemingly trivial in comparison. "I'd like that," Jared said quietly, watching the surprise turn to joy on Jensen's face. He tried desperately to tamp down any warning that came with the warmth he felt between them in that moment.

Back at his hotel Jared thought about what Jensen had said. He was so caught up in being angry and later, indifferent, that he almost forgot one of the most important things he learned from his big brother. Jeff had said 'do what makes you happy' so often, that it had become a sort of mantra amongst his friends. Jared hadn't thought much about it until he was older and at his first real job out of art school and Jeff had asked him if he was happy. He thought about it for couple of minutes and as he was about to speak, Jeff stopped him, telling him that if he had to think about it then maybe he really wasn't. It was from there that he took the plunge into writing and drawing full time, doing what he actually loved and made him happy. Now years later, he knew he wasn't unhappy, but he hadn't been 'happy' in a while. Maybe it was time to change that.

That chat with Jensen had brought back so many recollections; things they shared, arguments they'd had. Jensen was right, without their shared remembrances, memories of Jeff would begin to fade until all that was left was vague impressions of his brother. It wasn't about keeping Jeff alive, it was about being able to share those memories again with the only other person who knew Jeff as well as he did. He remembered all the secrets he'd shared with Jeff, the firsts, the times they'd covered for each other with their parents and then he remembered all the ways Jensen was woven into those memories, starting with his graduation from high school.

 

 

 

CHAPTER FIVE

Jared's Graduation Day, June 1999

 

Graduation, finally. Jared felt like he was waiting for his life to begin. He worked hard so that he was able to graduate a year early and now he wanted to discover what else was out there, find his own way and experience everything. He came out to his family last year, but he wasn't out at school. He doubted he was fooling everybody, but he didn't want to fool anyone. He just wanted to be himself without parades, flag waving or rainbow bumper stickers. He wasn't embarrassed; he just didn't think being gay should be what defined him.

His family had been great; there was no big drama, no threats of being disowned. In a way it was almost anticlimactic. Even his brother had been supportive "less competition for the rest of us", was his comment as he slapped him on the back before whispering, "just be happy JT." Jared had made such a big deal of it in his head, that he was left a little let down when everyone was very matter of fact about it. Not that he was complaining. He was thankful and more than a little grateful. He loved his family and couldn't imagine what it would feel like to be rejected by the people you loved the most in the world.

School was a completely different matter. He really didn't think it was anyone's business, but he knew that wasn't always the way others thought in high school, let alone a high school in Texas. He kept pretty low key in the last few years, biding his time until he could go out and figure out what it mean to be gay in practice rather than just his imagination. He couldn't wait to get started.

Sitting on his bed, looking at his freshly pressed cap and gown over the back of his chair, he was nervous. Not because of graduation or that he was standing on the precipice of the rest of his life, but because his brother was arriving any moment from college and he was bringing his roommate turned best friend. They were staying the weekend before heading to the gulf for a week of fun in the sun with friends.

Jeff had started talking about his roommate at UT, in the fall and it didn't take long for Jared to figure out there weren't many people from San Antonio the same age as his brother named Jensen. He knew it had to be 'his' Jensen. The one he still had hot wet dreams about. Weekly. The one he kept in his mind when he reached for himself in the shower. The one he'd convinced himself he was in love with for the last four years. And today he was going to see him again for the first time since the day of Leadership camp when Jensen handed him his sketchbook back. His thoughts that Jensen might be gay after his parting comment at camp were confirmed through Jeff's conversations about his roommate. Jared had fantasized how their first meeting would go ever since.

As he put on his favorite jeans and lavender button down, that his mom insisted looked great on him, he heard the car pull up the driveway. Glancing at his watch he didn't know if he should be happy they were early or petrified that there was still a couple of hours to kill before they all had to leave for his grad ceremony.

He peered covertly out the window and saw Jensen. In an instant his stomach lurched, his palms began to sweat and his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Gone was the gangliness of a teen and replaced by a young man. A gorgeous man. Broad shoulders, dirty blonde hair and long legs that were slightly bowed. He was laughing at something Jeff had said and his smile took Jared's breath away, just as it had so long ago. Nothing Jared had imagined over the years could compare even remotely to the man standing in his driveway. He was so much more than he expected. It made him somehow feel inadequate.

Looking down at himself, he turned to look in the mirror. Next to Jensen he would look like a kid. A tall kid with legs too long and thin, underdeveloped chest and his face still had a babyish smoothness with dimples that made him look like an overgrown puppy with his floppy hair. There was nothing that could hold the attention of a twenty-one year old man like Jensen. His inexperience alone would make him want to turn and run. He always knew it was folly to cultivate the fantasy of one day with Jensen, but that didn't stop his heart from engaging in the idea. Now he just felt foolish and naive for even imagining it.

Wiping his hands on his jeans, he picked up his cap and gown and headed downstairs. Slinging the robe on the bottom of the banister and hanging his cap on top of it he watch as his parents and his sister Megan hugged his brother and were introduced to Jensen. Finally Jeff spotted him, "Hey squirt looks like you grew another few inches. Come over and meet Jensen," he called out.

Jared stood frozen on the stairs as Jensen raised his eyes to meet his. There was a flicker of recognition, but because of context, it was obvious that Jensen couldn’t quite place him. "Jared stepped off the bottom step and moved closer, hand outstretched determined not to act as young as he felt. "Jensen," he said shaking his hand. "We've actually met before at Outdoor Leadership Camp a few years ago."

Jared watched as it took a moment for Jensen to place him, the click of recognition snapping in his eyes. He remembered. There was no doubt as a slight blush crept over his cheeks, darkening his freckles. "Jared, Jeff told me so much about you, but I never put it together. Yes, of course I remember you. Always had a sketchbook with you." He said with a quick smile, "Do you still draw?"

Megan jumped in before Jared could answer the way only a younger sister could. "He's got so many full sketchbooks in his room I swear it's a fire hazard. Not to mention the number of trees that were sacrificed to his 'passion’,” she exclaimed complete with air quotes.

Mr. Padalecki chuckled. "Megan is very active in our local 'Earth First' group so be prepared to be grilled on your fossil fuel footprint when you least expect it."

Jensen grinned, "Well I'm sure to be in trouble Sir, I'm attending UT, Dallas on a golf scholarship so I'm sure my travelling is one strike against me. But I do try and recycle whenever I can if that helps?"

Megan harrumphed and crossed her arms. "The environment is everyone's issue and you guys just don't take it seriously enough," before storming off in a huff.

After a round of smothered chuckles, Jared's parents ushered Jensen in to the family room plying him with cold drinks and snacks as they listened to the stories the two young men shared from college. Jared lagged behind, reliving the moment that Jensen had remembered. The blush on his cheeks making his freckles darken making him even hotter than usual. Jared was emboldened; he wondered what Jensen would do if he left one of his sketchbooks for him to see. The thought made his dick take interest, thickening in his jeans. To avoid any further embarrassment he quickly threw on his gown to hide any evidence of just how much seeing Jensen again affected him.

~~~*~~~*~~~

Ten hours later Jared had made his obligatory rounds to pre-planned dry grad celebrations with Sandy in tow and shuffled between venues by rented busses. When Sandy had the opportunity to head off with a group that contained her long time crush, Jared begged off and walked slowly home. The evening was warm and he'd only had two beers, not enough to be drunk, but enough to be feeling good when his brother's car pulled up beside him. Jensen rolled down the passenger window and Jeff leaned over to call to him. "Hey little bro, come party with the big boys. We might even let you have your first beer," he teased.

Jensen flashed him an encouraging smile that almost swayed him, but he didn't quite trust himself to be that close to Jensen under the influence, no matter how small. "Nah, I'm good. You guys don't need me tagging along," he answered with a grin.

"We don't mind, we're just headed to Mike's house to hang out at the pool. Not a big party or anything. Come on, the night is still young and you only graduate once."

Being treated like someone other than a kid or a tag-a-long did the trick, it filled him with warmth. It was what he'd wanted for so long and suddenly it was here. Much like his coming out it was anticlimactic except for the fact that it was Jensen. There was nothing anticlimactic about that.

Jared's delight continued when Jeff introduced him to friends with a hint of pride, one hand on his shoulder the other handing him a beer. There was still teasing and good-natured ribbing, but something had shifted in their relationship and both of them felt it. Jared sat back mostly and watched the others interact, his fingers itching for a sketchbook, his eyes seeking Jensen out more and more frequently as the evening went on. Surprised to find that often Jensen was looking back.

Jensen had taken Jeff's keys when they arrived and was nursing his lone beer for the evening. Jeff had started his vacation a couple days early, enjoying the beer and getting more and more exuberant; until he'd challenged a number of guys and gals to a canon ball contest in the deep end. Biggest splash won.

Jared declined to participate, quickly declaring himself judge. The last thing that he wanted was to strip anything off or jump into water which would show how under developed he was compared the older guys. The thought of being in his underwear and around Jensen, shot pangs of sheer terror through him.

Jensen was reluctant to join in and followed suit announcing he'd join Jared as judge. A chorus of boos followed by random pieces of clothing were thrown at him until they relented when he begged off saying he was the designated driver and needed to look somewhat respectable.

With Jared and Jensen deemed judges, the contestants lined up around the pool's edge, the girls covering up, the boys snapping towels at bare skin. Phones and keys were dropped on the table by Jared for safe keeping.

Jensen pulled up a chair next to him, "This should be fun. Let's just hope I don't need to use my lifeguard training by the time this is all over," he chuckled.

Jared's dick was quite interested in what lifeguard training would entail and if there were any videos available of Jensen's. "You were a lifeguard?" He asked with surprise.

"Yup, last two years of high school. Bought my first car with lifeguarding money. I would have continued through college, but when I got the golf scholarship my folks wanted me not to work and concentrate on school. I'm sure I haven't forgotten anything if one of these idiots decides to try and drown on our watch," he said elbowing Jared good-naturedly like he had always been one of the gang.

Jared wanted to lean into the touch. The smooth skin of Jensen's arm burned into his skin, making the warm evening feel even hotter. Suddenly the cool water of the pool didn't seem like such a bad idea.

By consensus they decided that five points went to style and five to splash. Each jump got more elaborate, girls stole the style points while the guys tried to outdo each other with the size of their splash. As judges they weren't spared and soon both of them were more than a little damp.

As the game wound down with lots of laughter and towels to dry off. No one noticed Jeff climb up on the pool house roof. With a Tarzan yell he dropped the twelve feet off the roof into the pool, soaking everyone and scaring most half to death by staying at the bottom a few seconds too long. Long enough for Jensen to stand up and kick off his shoes, before slowing surfacing and being bombarded with foamy pool toys.

"Jeez Jeff, I was about to haul your sorry ass out of the water," said Jensen with more than a little steel in his voice, enough to let Jared know how concerned he had been.

"Aw sorry Jenny Bean, I forgot that you were 'Mr. Water Safety'," Jeff wheedled flashing a smile.

Jensen busied himself putting his shoes back on pretending that the whole thing hadn't bothered him. "Thanks for caring enough about my dumbass brother when he's had one too many to care," Jared said quietly, really grateful for how much Jensen looked out for his brother and he was sure if Jensen was the one drinking his brother would do the same.

"Yeah he's done the same for me, though he's more of a risk taker than I am," he shot Jared a tight smile, "so you gonna help me corral him back to your house without waking your parents?"

Having Jensen include him again made him beam. Finally someone was treating him like something more than a kid. "They're pretty good, besides they'll expect it since it's my grad night."

It took half an hour, but they managed to get Jeff dressed and into the back seat of his car, but not without some drunken complaining, "The only time I should be in the backseat of my own car is if it's parked, I'm with a girl and I'm about to get laid."

Jensen snorted, "I'm not into hetero sex, but if you could pretzel all six feet seven of you into the backseat and not kill the women of your choice in the process, I'm all for watching."

Jared laughed and then even laughed harder when Jeff tried to make a counter argument and his foot got stuck under Jared's seat and it took a good four minutes to sort himself out. By the time they pulled into the Padalecki driveway, Jeff was snoring lightly, face pressed against the passenger window. Getting him out of the car was not without a couple of laughs and a few missteps. But when Jensen's hand grazed Jared's as they supported Jeff on either side, Jared's dick stood on high alert. Jensen looked at him oddly and Jared had no idea if he'd done anything to give himself away.

They managed to get Jeff laid out on his bed and he was snoring before they took off his shoes. The plan was for Jensen to sleep on a cot in Jeff's room since Grammy and Pops were staying in the spare room. Jared made sure he pointed out where the upstairs bathroom was before he made his way to his own room with a whispered good night.

He sat on the edge of the bed taking off his shoes and socks, his body aching to go back and find Jensen. He hadn't wanted the evening to end; he felt like a twelve year old girl reliving every insignificant time their bodies had touched and every word spoken. Embarrassed, he still couldn't help grinning. In the hallway he heard Jensen leaving the bathroom and he quickly stood, wanting to see him one last time before going to bed. Opening the door he ran into Jensen in the dark hall, both of them trying not to laugh at the god awful snoring that erupted from Jeff's room. Jared grabbed Jensen's arm and dragged him toward the noise, "Shhhhhhh," he hushed. Standing in the doorway they watched Jeff snorfle and snort, his mouth agape. "There's no way you'll get any sleep in here," Jared whispered. "Grab your blanket and pillow, my mom has a pull out couch in her sewing room. It's not exactly comfortable, but it's better than wanting to smother him with a pillow all night."

Jared made his way down the dark hallway with Jensen right behind him. He pushed the door open and tried to imagine where the table lamp was on the other side of the dark room. Two steps into the room a searing pain shot up his leg as his bare foot came into contact with the solid metal leg of an already pulled out couch followed closely by his shin hitting the frame of the bed. Jared tried to muffle his yelp of surprise and pain, but his sudden stop caused Jensen to run into his back sending them both sprawling on top of the all too thin mattress.

Jared's concentration was focused on his pain until he could feel Jensen silently shaking beside him as he tried to muffle his laughter. Jared turned on the bed to face him, just making out his face holding in the laughter in the dim light of the room. Jared couldn't hold it in he started to chuckle and once the low noise started Jensen couldn't hold back either and soon the two of them were wheezing trying to keep the noise down in the silent house. Jensen put his head on Jared's shoulder as he smothered his laugh in Jared's shirt. Jared managed to kick the door so at least it wasn't ajar even if it wasn't actually closed.

After their laughter died down both men were breathing heavily, their faces inches apart. Jared's heart was beating out of his chest when he realized how close their bodies were. His dick had already noticed and was way ahead of the rest of him lengthening and thickening until it ached. Jensen's breath ghosted over him and he just like that he leaned in and kissed him.

His first real kiss, one that actually meant something and was driven by attraction and not duty. He pushed gently against Jensen's full lips, it was nothing like he imagined. His body took over from there. He was sure if his brain had been working he would have over-thought the whole thing and froze in fear, but his body had no such qualms. It knew what it wanted. Attraction, a genetically ingrained instinct didn't fail him.

His tongue licked at Jensen's mouth, which parted with a surprised 'O' that failed to register with Jared. He surged forward intent on experiencing everything he'd denied himself for so long.

Jensen, taken by surprise, took a few moments longer to comprehend what was happening and when he did he pushed Jared away and jumped up from their makeshift bed. "Jared, no," he whispered harshly, backing up until he hit the wall, his shoulder knocking the light switch and turning on the overhead light, blinding them both. "Shit!" he yelped, groping blindly for the switch to turn it off before they woke anyone up with the light and their noise.

The room returned to darkness and left them both blinking to adjust. Jared used the distraction to brush past Jensen and flee to his room; hearing Jensen urging him to wait had no effect. He closed his door and slid down it to the floor clasping his knees and burying his head. His dick hadn't got the message yet and protested the cramped position, Jared gulped back a sob relishing the discomfort as a distraction from the pain of embarrassment welling up inside him.

He could never face Jensen again. What the hell had he been thinking? Of course Jensen wouldn't want some scrawny 16, albeit almost 17 year old coming on to him. He had to have the pick of hot guys at college. Jared could never compare to that. He was so stupid, so incredibly stupid. What if Jensen told his brother? What if he'd ruined everything that had been changing between them since Jeff started to treat him with a little more respect. Oh my God, what had he done?

He barely slept that night, tossing and turning and finally dozing off around sunrise only to be woken by pounding on the door accompanied by shrill tone of his sister when she was trying to sound older, but only made her sound like a whiny kid.

"Jared get up, Grammy and Pops are waiting for you to come down for breakfast and we need to get the yard ready for the barbecue later. Dad's had the smoker going all night and he's not going to be happy if you don't get downstairs and start helping us."

Jared wondered if she even took a breath through all that. Once Meg got going it was hard to find the off switch especially if it was about the environment or getting Jared in trouble. Fuck his head hurt and he knew it wasn't from drinking as he cracked his eyes open to the brightness of daylight spilling in. Shit. Jensen. He sat upright in horror. Oh Fuck. He'd made a move on his brother’s best friend. An unwanted, unsolicited and unreciprocated move. He was sure his brain could use several other 'un' words, with unbelievable topping the list.

~*~*~

Several hours later Jared sat in the backyard and shucked a bushel of corn in the shade of the house, doing his best to avoid everyone else prepping for the big family get together. The muscles in his back were tense and a throbbing of an impending headache had begun at his temples. Everyone assumed his mood and tension was due to a hangover and at this point Jared would have loved to have that as an excuse for everything that had happened. Jensen had been polite at breakfast, but even after only knowing him for a short time, Jared could tell the he was more subdued than usual. He managed to choke down breakfast and smile for photos with Grammy and Pops before begging his mom for chores that he could do alone and out of the way.

Shucking corn had always been a favorite task. The rhythmic 'snap, pull, pull, pull' was soothing, the satiny stands of corn silk, cool between his fingers. He lost himself in the methodical task, hoping it would keep him out of the way until Sandy and her Grandmother arrived later.

When she called earlier he couldn't tell her what had happened and tried hard to focus on her excitement of spending the rest of the evening with Greg Bishop, which ended with a kiss and date for the later in the week. Sandy's natural exuberance was magnified in her excitement and Jared wanted to mirror that, acutely aware how often Sandy had been the person he told his secrets and successes. He should have known he couldn't fool her. "JT?" She asked using his childhood nickname, "Everything ok?"

Just the question brought the stinging feeling to the back of his eyes, "I'm fine," he had managed to mumble, determined not to let the tears well up.

"You are the very opposite of fine. I'm bringing Gram early so she can help your mom with food and we're going to talk." He instantly felt guilty taking away from her joy, but grateful nonetheless that his best friend knew exactly what he needed.

He was hauling the husked corn to the backyard when Sandy rounded the corner, her sleek dark hair up in a jaunty ponytail, a cotton skirt and bright shirt made her look younger than her sixteen years. "Your Mom said you were moping back here," she said looking up at him with a serious expression. "I told her we'd go pick up some more ice from the Stop 'N Shop so we could talk about whatever that 'bitch-face' is about." And within minutes he found himself hauled outside and into the passenger seat of Sandy's restored VW bug.

The discomfort of the tiny car was nothing compared to Sandy's intense scrutiny. One mumbled word became two and two became a torrent as the story flooded the space between them.

"Holy crap Jared," she exclaimed as she pulled into the parking lot. "How on earth do you get into these situations? I swear your paths are destined to always cross and I'm not sure that's a good thing." Sandy was a big proponent of fate and karma, believing that everything happens for a reason. Jared for the most part humored her even when some small part of his heart wanted desperately to believe that there was something more out there for him. Maybe even with Jensen.

"Oh honey, you really need to talk to him. Apologize or something. I'm sure he'll understand. He's been so cool about everything else, I'm sure he was just surprised. I mean crap Jared, he's your brother's best friend."

Jared's shoulders slumped even farther than the uncomfortable position his body was slouched in due to the car. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to Jensen. If he could just get through the evening avoiding him, he was sure by the next time he saw him, they could both pretend it never happened. He was counting on Jeff never finding out.

"You think I forgot they were best friends? I was up all night waiting for Jeff to break my door down and beat the crap out of me. I just can't face him, not yet. Maybe not ever," he said adamantly. If he could draw himself a time machine and travel twenty-four hours in the future when Jensen and his brother would be half way to the gulf, he'd have done it. Even if it meant giving up his graduation gifts, including the truck he was hoping for.

~*~*~

As it turned out he did get a truck, his dad's five-year-old Dodge and it should have been the happiest day of his life. As it was he was barely able to fool his parents, though his gratitude was not forced, his smile was.

He managed with Sandy's help to hide himself with his younger cousins out by the old tree house he loved as a child and the tire swing it held. He never allowed himself too close to the adults congregating near the outdoor bar set up on the patio, even sending the younger kids to fetch him a soda or piece of cake. His success though was short lived as the younger kids either left or were put to bed temporarily on any available soft surface in the house.

Sandy had deserted him in search of a sweater when the evening grew cool as the sun went down. Avoiding heading up to the house, he took his time packing up the camp chairs they'd hauled out back to sit on and began picking up all empty soda cans and piling the trash next to the tree, hoping Sandy would return with a garbage bag.

So intent on stalling the inevitable walk back up to the house, he missed the muted footsteps on the dewy grass. "Sandy said you needed trash bags," Jensen said softly startling Jared into dropping a load of cans. Jared frantically tried to stop all of them from falling and only succeeded in making more of mess, showering himself with the dregs of soda left in the bottom of some of the cans.

Without looking up he bent to begin picking them up again, not knowing what to say and cursing Sandy while thinking up ways he could draw her characters untimely demise in his next story. He heard a small chuckle by his left shoulder as Jensen bent beside him to help. "Here let me," he said raising the hem of his button down with his hand and wiping a stray drop of soda from Jared's face. His touch hesitant, almost shy.

Jared froze his eyes fluttering shut as he did his best not to lean into the warmth of Jensen's hand bleeding through the fabric of his shirt.

"You’ve been avoiding me," he said matter-of-factly, "and I wanted to talk to you before we leave tomorrow."

Jared moved away and put the cans in the trash not caring that his sister would lecture him on the evils of not recycling. Jensen followed, stopping him with a hand on his wrist turning him around. "Jared," Jensen started before Jared interrupted.

"Don't. I was stupid. I'm so sorry, I really, really am. Please, we don't have to talk about it. I mean unless you want to tell Jeff and then I'll beg you not to, but other than that, can't we just pretend it never happened?" He pleaded.

Jensen's hand was still on his wrist and it was only then that he realized that Jensen's thumb was rubbing small circles on the underside as if to soothe him. It worked. He stopped speaking and just watched mesmerized at where their two bodies were joined. Jensen finally let him go when he was sure Jared wasn't going to bolt and motioned for him to sit down. They both sat beside each other, backs against the old oak that had seen Jared through so many watershed moments in his childhood.

Jensen rested his forearms on his knees as he looked across the yard, looking for a way to begin. "I don't want to forget. It was sweet and you totally caught me by surprise, but I don't want to forget it," he said quietly.

"I don't understand?" Jared didn't know what to do with Jensen's confession, part of him didn't believe what he was saying, and it irked him. Was he trying to be nice or what? Jared didn't need to be coddled or treated like a child. Or maybe he did, he sure didn't feel very adult. "I mean you pushed me away, you made it really clear that you didn't want me."

Jensen chuckled, "Oh Jared. Think about it. You're sixteen; you're my best friends little brother and you're smart, funny and hotter than any kid should be. Then imagine me realizing you're that kid, the one that drew the amazingly erotic pictures and how many times I've thought about them. Suddenly you become the ultimate forbidden fruit. I've spent most of the time last night reminding myself of that fact and reassuring myself that you would want someone your own age. Can you see where I'm going with this Jared?" He asked, still looking across the dark yard toward the lit up patio. "Not only did you scare the shit out of me by kissing me, I scared myself by wanting it. Of course I pushed you away. You're sixteen. You're Jeff's brother. Trust me, there is no getting around either of those two things. I just don't want you to think I was mad or upset. We just can't go there. I think you know that."

Warmth settled in Jared's gut and began to spread up his chest, neck and flushing his face. Jensen thought he was hot. Too young and Jeff's brother, but hot. It wasn't much, it wasn't even close to being enough, but it was so much more than he ever had hoped for. Unbidden the words were out before he could stop them, "Almost seventeen," he mumbled.

This time Jensen laughed out loud. "Yes you are, but it doesn't change anything. You need to discover all this stuff in your own time with someone closer to your own age. Someone who isn't your brother's best friend."

He knew Jensen was right. He knew there were too many differences in where they were in their lives besides their ages. Jared had so many things to experience that Jensen had already done. The difference between almost seventeen and twenty-one was much more pronounced than if they were twenty-five and twenty-nine. It didn't mean he was going to stop dreaming or cast someone else in his nightly fantasies. It just meant that now wasn't right. Who knew what the future would hold.

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER SIX

Present - Friday, May 18, 2012

 

Jared caught up on some work in the morning after taking time to enjoy the luxury of staying in a beautiful suite that had a fantastic breakfast service. He could have gone home every night, it was only a twenty-minute drive, but the festival asked that all official festival guests stay at the hotel to avoid any drinking and driving issues. Jared usually liked his own bed; his size made finding a comfortable bed a challenge, but the California King in the suite was perfect. He had no complaints.

The official opening of the Food and Wine Festival was this afternoon, followed by a series of activities that he could choose from held at various venues around town. Everything from another taster’s dinner, to cheese sampling and wine pairing, chefs showcase dinners and all followed by various after parties. Tomorrow was the Bubbles brunch featuring champagnes, which was to be followed by the first events of the chef’s challenge that they'd be judging. All the brochures sounded fantastic, even if he couldn't tell a cabernet from a cummerbund. He wondered briefly which ones Jensen would be attending.

He knew he'd be seeing him at the official opening later that day since all the various judges were guests of honor and would be presented with the Silver Fork and Cork, to be worn throughout the festival as a reminder of integrity and balance in all things food and wine. His sister Megan, the foodie, had already explained the tradition and honor it was to wear the Fork and Cork and demanded that he get autographs from her favorite chefs since she wouldn't be home for the festival that year. Silently Jared counted his blessings, the last thing he needed was Megan following him around, commenting on his lack of etiquette and tucking napkins in his shirt.

Still trying to decide which events he was going to attend, the shrillness of the hotel room phone startled him. He wasn't expecting anyone to call; anyone who needed to get a hold of him would use his cell. It was Katie full of sass and energy wanting to check if he was feeling better and to coordinate plans. After their partial evening together, he liked her even more. She reminded him of Sandy, who had long since left for LA, but made sure they got together at least once a year if not more. He missed a steady female presence in his life -- his mother and sister not included -- and Katie had begun to slot herself in seamlessly.

~*~*~

The opening was fun, somehow managing to poke fun at itself with over the top pomp and circumstance, while imbuing it with enough tradition that each judge, from food to wine, understood the honor and accepted the task with seriousness it required. Jensen wasn't the host of the event but he was present and asked to kick things off by opening a bottle of champagne with a saber. His movements were so swift and sure, Jared wondered how many times he'd done it before or had he practiced just for this. If he hadn't let that ship sail years ago, Jared would have been turned on. Hell who was he kidding, he was turned on. His mind wandered to ways he might make done up and proper Jensen become undone.

Katie caught him staring a little too long and grinned at him knowingly. "Good to know you're not immune either," she sassed, "I was beginning to wonder what it would take to melt the ice between you two."

Jared coughed as the wine in his glass found a wrong path down his throat. "There was no ice," he said unconvincingly. Wracking his brain for anything that he might have said that would give her that impression. Katie clapped him on the back and then rubbed soothing circles between his shoulder blades.

"One, geez you're tall. Two, maybe not ice. Maybe avoidance or a feigned attempt at indifference, but there was definitely something. And three, I was a journalism major and would have made a good reporter so whatever it is, I'll figure it out," she said leaving no room for rebuttal. Jared figured best bet to stay silent until he had a minute to think. He didn't care if Katie Googled them, anyone with a computer could do that. He was pretty sure that would be enough to throw her off the bigger story, though he doubt she could dig that up anywhere anyway.

He had told the story often enough, but it never got easier. He lost a lot that day, everyone did. No one more than Jeff, who had paid with his life. As casually as he could, he cleared his throat and straightened his shoulders. "Jensen was my brother's best friend and was with him when he died a few years back. Not a great mystery. Just a bit awkward now, that's all."

Katie wasn't expecting that, her face showed the shock and then the embarrassment that she had pried into something that personal. "Oh god Jared, I'm sorry. I never meant..."

"I know," he said interrupting, wanting to keep the uncomfortable conversation to a bare minimum. "Look, it was years ago. We don't talk about it. That's all there is." He finished his wine with gulp. Nope it never did get easier.

Katie looked over at Jensen, having his picture taken with the other Festival organizers and then back to Jared. "Well that would explain it. Guess my tact needs as much work as do my detective skills."

Jared slipped his arm around her and tugged her hair, "At least you have your good looks to fall back on." They both laughed, the awkwardness falling away to nothing. "Besides, what kind of gay man would I be if I didn't at least acknowledge a good looking man when I saw one. I'm just immune to his charms."

Katie laughed steering them to a more discrete corner of room and began a running commentary of what the who's who of San Antonio were wearing and who, other than their respective spouses, they were sleeping with in a Joan Rivers accent until both of them were breathless with laughter. Jared's phone buzzed in his pocket. Excusing himself, he turned to take the call.

It was Jensen. Jared scanned the room to see if he could see where he was calling from. "Just wanted to see if I could tag along. These things are no fun alone."

"I'm with Katie." Jared said uncertainly, not wanting to ditch her for the second time and not really sure if that's what Jensen wanted.

"I know, I saw you guys earlier. Would it be ok if I came with? I wanted you to have a choice, I didn't want you to feel like you had to if I asked you in front of her."

"No, no, that's fine, we were just going to find the bathrooms before we head out. Where are you?"

"A quarter turn to your right and twenty yards away, with the guy in the really bad toupee between us."

Jared turned and smothered a laugh; it really was a bad toupee. "Well if you can make your way over here without it jumping you, you can join us."

Katie was looking at him quizzically until she saw Jensen making his way over. "Ah so the ice has truly melted,” she said with a smirk.

Jared rolled his eyes. "There was no ice. Just awkward. We're good now."

Jensen clapped him on the back, "Who's good?" He asked.

Jared flushed, "I was just telling Katie earlier how we knew each other through Jeff and she seemed to think that there was ice between us earlier and I reassured her we were good."

Jensen raised an eyebrow at him and studied him for a moment before adding "Yup no ice here. We're good."

Katie looked at one and then the other, not quite buying it, but not having anything else to go on she dropped it. "So, where to first? If I don't get food into me soon I'll be a disgrace to the fork and cork with my drunkenness."

~*~*~

They must have hit five or six different events; Jensen had a private driver for the weekend while others were shuttled by a never ending stream of buses. Jared couldn't remember when he laughed so hard. Katie alternated between being hysterically funny and being far too nosy. Jared enjoyed the former and tolerated the latter. Jensen began the evening a little reserved; maybe he was unsure exactly how they fit now that they had talked. Eventually he became more comfortable and his smiles became more genuine, his laugh rich and full. It brought back so many memories. Good memories.

By midnight they were all winding down, more yawning than laughing and they made their way back to the hotel. Taking Katie to her door she joked that she never felt safer. The whole ride in the elevator Jared found himself watching Jensen again. He was relaxed, teasing Katie about being tipsy, his freckles barely noticeable on his nose, his hair just a little mussed, the top button of his shirt open showing a long column of gold skin, his tie long gone. Jared wondered how he ever thought that he had got him out of his system. The man was beautiful. Not delicate and fragile that is often associated with beauty, but in the classic sense. Strong lines, amazing structure and colors that would never look the same on anyone else. Jared tried to remember the last time he drew Jensen. Not the caricature for his book, but truly drew him. He remembered the experience being a sensual one, each line a joy in its perfection. He missed that. It had been a long time since he drew someone that made him feel that joy, that happiness. Maybe it was time to draw Jensen again. Maybe like Jeff used to say, it was time to do what made him happy.

Leaving Katie at her door, joking that at least she didn't need to worry about her virtue even as she flirted outrageously with Jensen. Flashes of jealousy hit him in his gut and made him inhale sharply, throwing him off balance. A wash of memories flooded through him, both good and bad. The most vivid of all made him realize that he had never truly let go of his feelings for Jensen; he just buried them so deeply he thought he had. Now they shimmered on the surface and he didn't know what to do with them. In an instant he flushed as remembered the embarrassment of their first kiss and then pain of humiliation when he remembered the day he shut Jensen out of his life, if not for good, for the best.

Walking down the hall from Katie's room the silence settled around them as they reached the elevator. "Thanks," Jensen said quietly. Jared didn't need to ask what for. He knew. Thanks for listening the other night, thanks for letting him slot back into his life, thanks for just being the Jared Jensen always knew. That one word filled him with warmth, it meant so much. He nodded his acknowledgement, knowing that if he spoke his voice would be filled with emotions that he wasn't quite ready to share yet.

In the elevator they stood close to each other, comfortable not speaking, both lost in their own thoughts. Jared watched as Jensen began to fidget the closer they got to their floor. His unrest more noticeable as they approached their rooms, which Jared learned were across the hall from each other. Reaching his door, Jensen stopped beside him and leaned against the doorframe, his eyes serious as he anxiously played with his room key-card. Jared wondered what was on his mind; it was obvious he wanted to say something.

"I was thinking about the night of my grad," Jensen said quietly, his voice betraying his nerves. Jared bristled inwardly; next to his brother dying it had been the worst night of his life. One he never talked to Jensen about. In fact he barely spoke to Jensen after that, at first going out of his way to not speak with him and later just making sure that any conversation was superficial at best until Jeff died. He tamped down those thoughts, he didn't want to relive the past, not when the present was so much better.

"I don't know what happened that night, I just remember how amazing you looked and how hard it was not to kiss you,” Jensen didn't look at him, his hands busy with his key-card. Jared watched the hands too, mesmerized by the tiny freckles he found there.

Unbidden the words were out before he could think, "What's stopping you now?" he asked, stilling Jensen's hands, forcing him to look up. His eyes widened in surprise, then darkened with desire as he quickly sized up the situation. It wasn't clear which one of them moved first, only that once put in motion neither could have stopped it, if they'd even wanted to.

Technically it wasn't the first time they'd kissed, but it was the first one that was mutual. It began gentle and tentative on both their parts, before turning hungry, finding their rhythm as their bodies slotted together, desperate for more contact. Jared found himself pressed up against his own door, Jensen taking control, hands in his hair holding him in place. Jared wasn't used to that. Most guys wanted him to be the aggressor because of his size. In fact many men sought him out because of what his size implied. Having Jensen manhandle him, even though he was a couple inches shorter, turned him on more than he would have thought it would. He pulled Jensen in tighter, grabbing his hips and grinding their dicks together, until they were both moaning quietly. The distinct ping of the elevator opening far down the hall and around the corner was enough for them to stop without moving apart.

Jensen slid his hands from Jared's hair and rested on his shoulders, "Holy shit!" he swore, his hips still firmly pressed into Jared, not willing to completely break the contact. "This isn't... I mean I wanted... shit," he stuttered taking a deep breath, exhaling raggedly. "I hoped, I just never thought you would. I mean we would."

Jared leaned in for another kiss silencing Jensen's rambling. That was generally his department; he hated it when he did it, but with Jensen it was cute, adorable really. He was completely under Jensen's spell, a place he'd been for so many years it was comfortable even though it shouldn't be. Maybe it was different. Maybe now they were on equal footing and the past didn't matter. They were both adults, both had experienced the highs of success and the pain of losses so deep they had trouble climbing out and both never quite let go of the connection they had always shared. Maybe this was their time. Finally.

"Hope don't mean shit Jensen, sometimes you gotta do more than that. I for one am glad you did," he said, cupping Jensen's jaw in his hand and rubbing his swollen lips with his thumb. Thirty-six hours ago he would never have dreamed being in this position, but now that he was, he couldn't imagine being anywhere else or wanting to be.

 

 

 

CHAPTER SEVEN

Jensen's Graduation, 2000

 

Jared sat in the backseat of the family SUV, headphones in and his head resting against the window as they made the long drive to Dallas for Jeff's graduation. He closed his eyes to block out whatever drama Megan was going on about next to him and thought about seeing Jensen again, after all he was graduating too.

It had been almost a year since he saw Jensen at his graduation. A whole year. Not because they'd been avoiding each other, it had just worked out that way in the two times he'd come home with Jeff since then. The first time he'd been staying with his Grammy and helping out around the house while Pops had knee surgery. He'd felt all grown up to be asked and it was only after the plans had been made that Jeff announced he was coming home during that time. The second time the two had been driving through on their way to some music festival and Jared had been at his part time job. At the time it seemed to matter and the disappointment seemed huge, but now he was kind of glad.

He'd grown so much this year. Being in Art School, having a job; he had come into his own. Even his body had started to cooperate; his shoulders had broadened and he'd put on muscle by working out every day and running when he needed to think. His confidence had grown and he started to date. Nothing serious and sexually he was still a novice, but with quite a few blowjobs under his belt, both given and received; it was enough for now. He wasn't ready to go any farther yet or he hadn't found anyone he was ready to go there with. That didn't mean he wasn't out having fun in the mean time.

With every mile they got closer to Dallas, Jared's excitement grew. He wasn't a kid anymore. Hell he was moving out at the end of the summer and into an apartment with Sandy. It wasn't that he thought he could win Jensen over; it was more that he wanted to show him who he'd become. He was proud of that and Jensen's opinion meant the world to him, even if they never got together. Not that some small part of his heart wasn't still holding out hope hard as he tried to tamp it down. It was still there like a glowing ember, just waiting for something to fan it into a full-blown flame.

~*~*~

The ceremony was long and hot, the photos afterward, tedious, but it was all worth the look of surprise and then appreciation when Jensen spotted him. He greeted Jared with enthusiasm, a huge hug and a grin a mile wide. Jeff picked him up like he was still a kid and whirled him around "looking good, little bro, looking good." Megan was treated like a young lady, making her stand straighter and flick her hair a lot, especially around the throng of Jeff's college friends, making Jared roll his eyes and tease her unmercifully. Today was Jeff's day. Graduation and celebration before entering med school and the long hours that came with that. Tonight there would be a quick dinner with the family before heading out with his friends for various parties.

Watching Jensen with his friends made him realize how tired he looked. Not that the man didn't look good, Jared didn't think that would ever be possible, but his smiles didn't quite reach his eyes except for the one he received when they arrived. There were so many people around, everyone introducing family and girlfriends it was easy to get lost in the fray and that was what Jensen looked like he was doing. Except whenever he pulled away, Jeff would make sure he was brought back in. His brother was making sure that Jensen was always included. His concern wasn't overt, but noticeable. Jared scanned the group of well wishers for anyone that looked like they would be Jensen's family and found no one. There were lots of friends, but it seemed there was no one there just for him.

As the crowd thinned, they began to make their way across the quad to where they parked, dropping the boys off at the dorms on the way, Jared caught Jeff pulling his dad aside and telling him Jensen would be coming with them for dinner; his parents hadn't come so he was on his own. Jared watched as his mom asked about all of Jensen's tournaments, some of which they had followed on television, while Megan flirted shamelessly even when grousing about how bad golf courses were for the environment, how much water they used in upkeep and arable land they took out of the agricultural land reserve. Jared held back, observing and trying to figure out what was going on.

The difference between being a kid and an adult he fast was coming to realize was that when he was a kid he shrugged it off when things didn't seem right, now when something was wrong, he wanted to help. He wanted to make a difference; the only problem was he didn't know what that looked like.

When they reached the dorms, Jared got his second hug of the day and a genuine "good to see you," from Jensen. It was hard not to ask where his parents were or if he could do anything. Jensen looked so sad, yet grateful for the Padalecki's for including him.

Back at the hotel Jared grilled his dad, who really didn't know much. It wasn't because Jensen was gay, his family had known for years. They had never gotten along, not really. Whatever had happened it was a long time in coming and Jensen's parents didn't feel his graduation was as important as some charity fundraiser his mother had organized. Jared couldn't imagine that level of indifference from his family. As much as he squabbled with Megan he would do whatever he could to be there for her whenever she needed. All his family would be there for each other, no matter what and now that would include Jensen too.

~*~*~

He wasn't supposed to go along with them, but after the congratulatory drinks at dinner, Jeff suggested that Jared tag along as their designated driver. He didn't mind at all, spending more time with Jensen wasn't exactly a hardship.

Jensen kept asking him about his year and Jared took the opening and ran with it. At the first party he spent the first half hour telling Jensen all about art school, the men he'd dated and even alluded to the fact that he was still a virgin amidst lots of blushing. Like a fool he was intent on testing waters he had no business wading into again. Maybe it was the fact the Jensen had looked so sad that had made him want to be close to him. He was so busy 'looking after Jensen' that he didn't realize that Jensen, in turn was looking after him. He had started to steer the conversation back to safer ground and introducing him to friends so they were rarely alone.

As Jensen stayed close, drinking beer and making sure he wasn't excluded, Jeff quickly became life of the party. It was fun and loud, spilled beer, outburst of songs or clearing of space as dancing broke out in various rooms as the music got louder and the evening wore on. Jared could barely remember half of the people he'd been introduced to, but there were one or two of the girls that kept an eye on him, much like a big sister would, making sure that he never ran out of soda. Once they realized he wasn't interested in them, they began pointing out the gay men in the room and introducing him to all of them. It was nice to be included, but he really had no interest in anyone but Jensen, not that he was about to share that.

The night got louder, more drinks were spilled and Jared was happy to see Jensen starting to loosen up and have fun. He sat back and watched as he danced with a group of guys and girls, singing at the top of his lungs. The singing was bad, but that didn't stop Jared from smiling indulgently. He couldn't take his eyes off the way Jensen's shirt kept riding up, giving him a glimpse of golden tan skin every time he raised his arms. His cock was half hard and he kept having to move to adjust himself. He barely noticed the warm body that pressed close to him as he continued to watch Jensen. It wasn't until a warm hand started to stroke up and down his back that he became really aware of the dark haired man next to him.

The man just leered at him and licked his lips. Jared vaguely remembered the girls introducing him to the guy, Rick, he thought. He hadn't been interested then and was even less so now. Not that the guy wasn't attractive, he was, but his wandering hands and warm beer breath on his face was not. "Ackles getting you all hot and bothered, little bro?"

Jared bristled at that. If he was anyone's little bro it was Jeff's not some slime ball looking for jailbait. "I'm not your bro, dude and I may be younger than you but I'm not all that little," he said as he stood up to his full 6'5" height in his boots. It didn't' seem to deter the guy as he dragged his hands over Jared's ass and down the inside of his thigh. Already turned on by watching Jensen, his dick twitched with interest, much to his own disgust. "The bigger they are the harder they fall," he said with a smirk, sliding his hands back up Jared's body until they were both standing facing each other and he slipped two fingers in Jared's front pockets pulling him flush against him. "So you are happy to see me, hey big boy?"

Jared didn't want to cause a scene, he could see over the idiots shoulder Jensen looking curiously in his direction. The last thing he needed was to have Jensen and Jeff get into a fight because of him. No the best thing to do would be to extricate himself as quietly as he could from the situation. He plastered an enthusiastic smile on his face and gave Jensen a wink to indicate he was fine, then he leaned close and whispered into Rick's ear, "Look buddy, I've gotta take a piss, why don't you find someone our own age to play with while I'm gone." As he spoke he removed Rick's hands from his body, squeezing them more firmly than necessary to make his point.

He managed to walk away without having to say anything else. The line for the bathroom was long and Jared didn't want to wait. Now that he got up, he really did have to go. Thinking he'd take a piss outside, he made for the back door, passing a conga line and a guy doing a keg stand. Whistling with appreciation, he managed to get outside and into a much darker back yard.

The cool air made him realize just how hot he had been inside. The swell of laughter and bass line of the music kept him from feel all alone as he made his way past couples making out on his way to a darkened corner of yard. Finally alone, he checked to make sure he was secluded enough before watering what looked to be a very nicely manicured azalea.

He took his time, shaking off his encounter with Rick. He'd dealt with assholes before, ones that thought they could take want they wanted because he was young and maybe a few months ago he'd have been a little flattered and more susceptible to it, but not now. He was really clear on what he wanted and it wasn't some cheap thrill with jerk du jour. He made his way back around to the side of the house not ready to go in yet, he found himself just below a heated discussion happening on the wrap around veranda. The two voices familiar, one standing out above the other, it took him a moment to realize they were talking about him.

"I'm serious man, let it go. You don't want a piece of that." It was Jensen warning Rick to stay away from him; Jared smiled until he heard Rick's response.

"Why Ackles because you like him sniffing around you like a puppy with his first bone?" Fuck what an asshole. Just what Jared needed, Jensen hearing about his crush from a dick like Rick.

Jensen laughed, "Fuck no, I don't do virgins. I'm just trying to save you some grief man. Kids like that, get all weepy when you kick them to curb. Not the kind of shit either of us want to deal with. Not worth the newbie blow job you might get." Jared felt the words like a knife to the gut. It was bad enough that Jensen didn't want him, but that he was talking about him like he was a piece of crap. The conversation continued above him, but Jared didn't hear any of it. He stumbled away, his stomach heaving even though he'd had nothing to drink. He retched into the flower garden at his feet and held onto a tree for his life. How the hell did the night go so wrong? Ten minutes ago he'd been enjoying the crowd and the music, took pleasure in watching Jensen, playing the fantasy of what if, someday, maybe. And now he not only had the fantasy ripped away, but the white knight that Jensen had always been for him was dead too. The one who'd been his champion, the one who'd kept his secret, the one he held up as a measure for any other guy he was with and now that was all gone. He could never let Jensen close to him again. Not now, not ever. He punched the tree and felt the pain of the rough bark against his knuckles as one of them cracked. The physical pain was nothing compared to what was happening to his heart, it was like it was put through a paper shredder and scattered over Antarctica. He began to shiver as the pain in his hand began to really register.

He stumbled to the car and slid behind the wheel and reached for his phone. He couldn't stay. He just couldn't. Not that going back to the hotel with Megan was a better choice, but he couldn't stay, that wasn't an option. He sent Jeff a text, telling him he wasn't feeling well and he was heading back and to call a cab when he was ready to leave. He spent the whole way back wondering how he could avoid seeing Jensen the next day and the rest of his life.

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER EIGHT

Present - Saturday, May 19, 2012

 

Jared woke up with a start, alarm beeps getting louder and more insistent until he swiped at it at least twice before it stopped. He felt like he'd barely slept, he blinked owlishly at the green numbers on the standard hotel clock radio; 7:45 AM. Damn. He laid back, arm covering his eyes with his forearm. The memories slowly came back and a grin began to form on his faces, growing bigger with each one until the fact he was tired was replaced with a raging erection. Oh yeah, early mornings were not bad at all when he had memories of Jensen to get him going.

They hadn't done much more than traded blow jobs, but the intensity of those blow jobs was enough to melt his spine at the time and to bring him to the brink faster than a teenager the morning after. He reveled in his morning stroke, a silly grin dancing across his face as he caught his breath. Yeah it was going to be a good day.

He met Katie for a pre-arranged Bubbles Breakfast, who quickly assessed his great mood and concluded that he had got some the night before. Jared laughed at the notion, determined not to give anything away. This thing with Jensen was too new to share. Hell he didn't even know if Jensen wanted anyone to know at this point. They really had to talk. He grinned to himself; just the prospect of seeing Jensen again made him giddy.

Sam joined them a half hour later as well and the three of them went over the notes of what was expected of them later in the day.

Judging would take place over a three-hour period with the first two rounds; appetizer, entree with dessert being judged the following day. Each round had a secret ingredient and an allotted time. Jensen would host and the entire event would be filmed, though not aired live. It would be edited with the dessert round filmed midday of day two and aired later that evening. That made Jared feel a little more confident, knowing if he totally blew it they could edit him down and use the other two to fill in the gaps. Not that he thought he'd blow it, but it made him feel better that he wouldn't ruin the whole thing if he did.

The PA drove them over to the School of Culinary Arts, noting the difference from the day they arrived where the studio was fairly quiet. Today there were lots of people, everyone hurrying from one place to another that Jared would have felt overwhelmed if it weren't for the smile and brief wave he got from Jensen when he caught his eye from across the studio as Jared was ushered in to get his wardrobe and make-up.

He sat back in his chair and closed his eyes, completely unaware of Katie's intense interest. She knew something was going on and she was going to find it out, she thought with a grin. One didn't go from indifference to giddiness in two short days. She didn't know who was playing what game, but she was nosy and enjoyed a challenge. People watching was more than a hobby it was what kept the insatiable desire for knowing something in check since she wasn't working as a reporter. It was all in fun really, the two men would look smoking hot together, she respected them both so what wasn't to like about the two of them getting together?

~*~*~

The judging turned out to be really fun. Jared's nerves settled as soon Jensen welcomed them and cracked a couple of jokes, soon they were all riffing off each other and he almost forgot they were being filmed, except for the hot lights and burly camera guys everywhere. Each of the three judges brought their own strengths to the virtual table. Sam was more serious with her years of restaurant reviews under her belt, she knew all the nuances and buzz words that gave the judging credibility. Katie had sass, wit and ability to speak bluntly giving them an edge. Jared's love of food and natural enthusiasm allowed him to temper anything the other two said. All together it was a great combination.

Jared still couldn't tell the difference between a Gastrique and a Reduction or Canapé and an Amuse-Bouche, but in the end it didn't matter, the food was extraordinary and he had a blast. When the taping was done and the judges mingled with the Chefs while Jensen finished up whatever he needed to do. Jared kept glancing discreetly in his direction knowing it would still be hours until they could be alone and was conflicted with wanting the slow build of sexual anticipation or just hauling him into a broom closet and sucking his brain out through his dick. Either way it was win/win.

In the end they had a few minutes back at the hotel before they dressed for the host of evening events they had to choose from. Jared barely got inside his door when Jensen pushed him up against the nearest wall, hands in his hair, his mouth punishing both of them for waiting so long. Jared groaned and pulled him in closer, hips canted forward so that there was no doubting his fervor. "You drove me crazy all day, licking food off your fingers, doing obscene things with oysters, I just hope we don't get an 'R' rating for sexual suggestiveness or, you know, maybe it was just me." Jensen breathed into his mouth, licking at his lips for good measure.

Jared sputtered a denial before he realized that Jensen was yanking his chain. "You were no better, strutting around in those pants that show off your ass and that shirt that is so fucking hot, I just wanted to rip it off you," he said as he grabbed Jensen's crotch, running a thumb nail up across the head and over the slit, making Jensen hiss his pleasure.

"Jay, the things you do to me," he gasped, thrusting up into his hand. "This thing, it's so fast... are we? Is this crazy?" He asked, but did nothing to pull away or resist the pleasure that Jared was pulling from him.

"Shit Jensen, it's been years in the making. I think we're good. Let's not over think things for a change," Jared said as he flipped open the button and opened his fly, reaching inside and freeing Jensen’s dick from his restrictive boxer briefs as he sank to his knees, swallowing him whole. Jensen shuddered above him and tightened his grip on his hair, shuddering again as Jared began to hum with pleasure as he worked the shaft with his tongue.

One hand worked Jensen's pants down further so he could fondle his balls, rolling them in his palm and reaching a finger back to graze the taint, eliciting a whole new verse of sounds from Jensen. Each quiver of enjoyment and every clench of his hand in Jared's hair made Jared work harder for each new sound; his own cock hard and wanting, pre-cum seeping into the front of his pants. Jensen's legs began to shake as he tried to keep from bucking into the hot, wet heat and wicked tongue of Jared's mouth. Jared steadied him and sucked harder, groaning ravenously around the heavy weight of dick on his tongue, tasting the bursts of Jensen's excitement as he neared his peak. With a sharp cry and a tightening of the grip in Jared's hair, Jensen came hard. Jared swallowed hungrily; a small drop escaped his mouth and slid down his chin.

Slowly Jensen loosened his grip on Jared's hair and with a shaky hand pulled him to his feet, cleaning the come off his face with a kiss and well-placed swipe of his tongue. On unsteady feet, pants mid thigh, he guided Jared to the couch in his room and stripped him quickly, lavishing each new patch of skin with kisses and bites until he reached Jared's dick. The blowjob was sloppy, Jared's need too great but Jensen got him there and cleaned him with his mouth as he softened. Neither man was in any condition to move as they both caught their breath.

"Just think what it would be like if we ever get to take our time," Jared managed, his heart rate slowly coming down. Jensen chuckled against Jared's thigh, his warm breath moving the fine hairs there, making Jared twitch as it tickled.

"I know. Maybe tonight," he said hopefully before bursting out in laughter at seeing Jensen lift his head and raise one eyebrow as if to say 'really, good luck'.

Enjoying the closeness, Jensen crawled up the acre of naked Jared and tucked himself under one beautifully toned arm, both men basking in the afterglow. The jarring sound of Jensen's phone startled both of them, Jensen almost falling off the couch as Jared grabbed to keep him on. "Shit, I better get that, it's probably Gabe."

With regret, Jensen got up, searching his pants for the phone. Jared watched him with half lidded eyes. He still couldn't believe they finally got to this place. A slow, happy smile crept over his face, dimples deepening, as he sighed with contentment, while Jensen murmured in hushed tones into the phone.

An hour and a half later, after hand jobs in the shower, they made their way to the lobby to meet Katie, Sam and Sam's husband Jeffery. Rounding out their group was Jensen's agent, Gabe, who had interrupted them earlier, in town to work some last minute changes to Jensen's book deal. The first event of the evening was the Cabernet and Canapés, then on to dinner sponsored by the Texas Cattlemen Association. Then they were planning to follow that with karaoke at the Decadent Dessert's midnight buffet.

Gabe and Katie hit it off in a non-romantic, ‘thick as thieves’ kind of way egging on everyone to get on stage and sing. Sam took them up on it and surprised everyone by belting out a duet with her husband, her raspy voice taking on a sultry quality. When Jensen got up and played Karaoke roulette he got an old Air Supply tune and brought the house down. All Jared could do was sit open mouthed and stare. His stomach did flip flops as all the pieces that made up the feelings he'd had for Jensen over the years clicked into place like a jigsaw puzzle. Nothing else in his life had made sense until then. No one else had even come close to making him want forever. Watching Jensen perform, seeing him happy and whole for first time in such a long time, made him realize it had been Jensen all along. It was always Jensen. The word soul mate flitted into his mind, before he crushed it with embarrassment. He might have fallen in love, but he wasn't going to turn into a big sap.

Katie elbowed, eyebrow raised knowingly as he stared with what he was sure a sappy looking grin on his face and he realized he didn't care. Maybe being a sap came with falling in love. If that was the case he'd take it, no matter how much his masculinity protested. He had found his happy and nothing was going to change that.

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER NINE

Truth & Consequences, July 2003

 

The flight home from LA was quiet, the plane almost empty, with just a few commuters. Whole rows of seats were empty and Jared was grateful to be able to stretch his long frame across them. He tried to fool himself into believing he was only going home to celebrate his twenty-first birthday, already a few days past, but it wasn't working. Going home had never been the same since Jeff died. Even though his brother hadn't lived at home for years, going home meant the whole family and now, two years later, it still felt incomplete without him. Probably always would. But that wasn't the reason for his unease either.

He was going home for his birthday, but he was also asked by his parents to talk to Jensen. His parents had long ago taken Jensen into their family, like a third son, the tragedy around Jeff's death hadn't changed that. At least not on their part. As for Jensen, he had pulled away from everyone and everything in his life in the past two years and Jared's folks thought that he was the one to snap him out of it. Considering they hadn't talked since the funeral and only superficially before that, Jared highly doubted that. Jared had been angry with Jensen before Jeff's death, but it all seemed irrelevant afterward and Jared certainly didn't blame Jensen for it.

The shock of Jeff's death, a drunk driver t-boned him running a red light, was only compounded by the circumstances surrounding it. He didn't blame Jensen and had told him so, but he wasn't sure that Jensen didn't blame himself.

Jeff had been in medical school, living with his girlfriend, lots of long hours and hard work. Jensen had made it on the PGA tour and was slowly working himself up the ranks from tournament to tournament; he wasn't a star, but the camera's loved him so he was the darling if not the favorite. Their friendship had never wavered, even as Jensen travelled and Jeff submitted to the exhausting pace of school. Whenever Jensen came home, he'd stay with Jeff and visited the Padalecki's for Sunday dinners whenever he could.

He was on his way home for a couple of weeks and Jeff insisted on coming to get him from the airport even though his flight was getting in at 1:00 AM. It was on the way home from the airport both of them sharing a laugh as they drove the empty streets back to Jeff's when the drunk hit them. Jeff died on impact, pressed up against Jensen, who was trapped for an hour before they could get him out, his shoulder mangled, his pro golf career finished.

The Padalecki's never played the 'what if' game, they knew the fault lay at the drunk drivers feet and not with Jensen, but Jensen couldn’t forgive himself for living. The media had hounded Jensen and the family from the start, wanting an interview or story. It had been hard to get on with grieving when they were constantly being reminded of the gaping hole in their life. From early on the Padalecki's and Jensen had agreed that there would be no interviews; Jeff's life was not for sale at any price.

Now two years later, Jensen was on the verge of becoming destitute, any golf winnings or sponsorship money seemingly long gone. His parents had lost Jeff and now they were losing Jensen too and that was just not acceptable. Everyone had tried talking to Jensen, they took turns bringing him food and trying to get him to go out, but nothing worked. Now it was Jared's turn and he wasn't happy about it.

He'd been in LA for over a year, he'd written his first book and suffered through his first rejections before being taken on contract to revise his book with a possibility of three more. He was on his way, still struggling to make ends meet, taking on odd jobs drawing up posters for bands and events in the tight arts community, but enjoying the freedom to stretch his wings professionally and personally without the well meaning scrutiny of family. His folks were worried about him moving to LA so soon after Jeff's death, but understood. He needed room to breathe and he'd found it. Until now.

He tossed and turned on the row of seats, realizing after he'd said no thanks to the flight attendant that he was actually old enough to drink now and he probably should have taken one, if for no other reason than to calm his nerves. Instead he pulled out a well-worn sketchbook and started sketching with bold dark strokes to match his mood, not surprised when the face that emerged was a familiar one. It seemed he couldn't escape Jensen now any more than he could before; even moving thousands of miles away hadn't worked.

Megan had come to get him from the airport, showing off her new car that she bought mostly with her own money from all those after school jobs she had worked. She was growing up and forcing Jared to get used to it, when he wanted to still treat her like a twelve year old. Jeff had always been so good with her, he instantly felt guilty for not being the type of brother she deserved, the one that had been taken from her. Seeing the look on his face she smacked his arm, "You're not him JT, and that's okay," she said with keen intuition, "You're my big dorky brother and that's how it's supposed to be." She flashed him a grin that no longer had rows of braces. "You big dork," she added, elbowing him as they walked through the terminal.

For a few hours Jared was able to forget the other reason he was in town, enjoying birthday dinner with his family and having them make a big deal of him ordering a beer with dinner much to his embarrassment. The cute waiter gave him a wink and smile that hinted at an invitation. It was a good evening; even the emptiness he usually felt without Jeff there didn't seem as big. Maybe they were finally filling the spaces Jeff used to fill so seamlessly. It wasn't the same, it never would be, but maybe as a family they were finally ready to make a new baseline for normal. Now if only he could get Jensen to do the same.

He was in town for a week and he wondered how many days he could successfully put off seeing Jensen before his parents drove him nuts. In the end it was Megan that drove him to go. Literally.

They were on their way to run some errands for Mom, with Meg driving when she pulled up in front of an older building in a mediocre part of town. Jared looked at her quizzically not understanding why they were there. "Apartment 306, I'll be back in a couple of hours. Call me if he kicks you out before that and I'll meet you at the coffee shop at the corner," she said, leaning over to open his door, doing everything but shove him out the door.

"What?" Jared asked, understanding slowly starting to dawn on him, but not quite sinking in yet.

"What, what? You weren't exactly in a hurry to go see him, so I thought I'd take a page out of Jeff's book and force your hand. This way you don't have time to over think it, just go in there and talk to him. Kick his ass, whatever it takes."

Jared stared, mouth agape. Fuck. She was right, it's exactly what Jeff would have done and he would have over thought it if he had planned when to go. It didn't make him any happier to be there. He gave her his bitch-face and got out of the car, slamming the door shut a little harder than necessary. He stood on the sidewalk and looked up at the faded building, hearing Megan pull out into traffic behind him. Taking a deep breath he walked up to the entrance wondering if Jensen would even buzz him in.

Noticing the door hadn't closed completely the last time it was opened he just walked in, putting off their confrontation for a few moments more. Slowly walking up the three flights of stairs, he noted the peeling paint and the damp smell; it was a far cry from anywhere he could have imagined Jensen living. It wasn't horrible, it was livable, but nothing that he would have expected.

Standing in front of 306, he self-consciously flicked his hair out of his eyes, silently cursing himself for still wanting to look good for Jensen. His knock was louder than he meant it to be, as if to reinforce his resolve.

Either time had truly slowed down or it had taken Jensen a long time to get to the door. When it finally opened, a disheveled Jensen appeared looking somewhat disoriented. It was possible he'd been asleep, but Jared couldn't be sure. "What do you want?" He barked, not realizing it was Jared. His eyes grew wide with surprise and then dimmed with resignation. "Guess there's no talking you out of coming in, is there?"

Jared shook his head before following Jensen into the small apartment and closing the door behind him. There was a bit of filtered light coming in through the closed blinds, a table lamp and the television turned to the football game, the only other light sources. It wasn't dirty, just cluttered and not kept up, the air smelled stale as if the windows hadn't been opened in a long time.

Jensen turned off the TV and sat with arms crossed on the well-worn couch. Jared stood next to him wondering where to start and silently cursing his sister, not for the first time in the last ten minutes. How do you ask someone to stop fucking up and get on with his life? The coffee table was littered with books and magazines, half drunk beer next to an empty on the floor, understandable for a Sunday afternoon watching the game, but Jared wondered if drugs or alcohol were part of the problem.

Unsure of what to do with himself, he wandered over to what looked to be a beautiful bookshelf under a layer of dust. He picked up a picture of Jensen and Jeff dressed in vintage golf gear, complete with tweed caps, knickers, argyle socks and saddle shoes. One arm around the other, heads tilted back in laughter. He remembered Jeff scrounging the attic for clothes to wear to the charity tournament the photo was taken at. The theme was vintage golf and both Jeff and Jensen allowed Megan to play dress up with the trunk of clothes from their great grandfather, the rest of the outfit coming from vintage clothing shop in the city. Jared had been jealous of how at ease they had been and how much it hurt not to be included. At the time he remembered hating his own contradictory feelings. He had chosen to pull away from Jensen in his anger years ago, but it never stopped him from yearning for the closeness they once had. Jensen for his part never knew why Jared pulled away, but never stopped trying to understand what had happened. Jared just shut him out entirely, leaving them both unsure how to deal with each other.

It had been an odd time in his life; not comfortable in his own skin, not sure how to stand up and confront Jensen, yet wanting so much to be treated as an adult. Growing to adulthood wasn't easy -- at times Jared still felt as if he was the awkward sixteen year old that kissed his brother’s best friend. Eventually he got to a place that he could hang out with Jeff and Jensen without all the inner turmoil, he just made sure he guarded himself against letting Jensen too close. Jensen had felt the distance, knew there was something that wasn't right, but he didn't know how to bridge that gap either. The picture brought back all the awkwardness of that time in a rush.

"I remember how much fun you guys had getting ready for this," he said holding up the photo. Jensen shrugged noncommittally. "You play much anymore?" Jared knew the answer, but it was a place to start when Jensen was giving him nothing to go with. Jensen raised one eyebrow in response, staring hard at Jared, sizing him up.

"You came all this way for a social call? Wow, what did I do to rate such special attention," he snarked, grabbing his beer off the floor and taking a swig. Jared couldn't decide if he was truly angry with Jared or if he was using the anger to divert attention from the real issue. Ultimately it didn't matter; the conversation wasn't going to get easier. If it was that easy, his parents and Meg would have sorted Jensen out long ago.

"Meg and the folks are worried about you; they thought I might have better luck figuring out why you were flushing your life down the toilet." There was no point in sugar coating the reason he was there anymore. "I think they over estimated any influence I might have." Jared put the photo back on the shelf and sat down on the other end of the couch.

Jensen snorted and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. "What do want me to say Jared? You think by walking in the door I'll bare my soul to you? That you'll be able to fix what my fucking therapist hasn't been able to since Jeff died. Or maybe you think that you can give me a pep talk and tell me to work harder and I'll be able to play golf again." Jensen was working himself into a head of steam. "Well fuck that. You have no idea what it's like. No fucking idea."

Jared could feel the waves of pain and anger coming from the man he had thought for a long time was a modern day superhero. Not unlike his conflicted feelings of years ago he wanted to shake some sense into Jensen or alternately scoop him up in his arms until he stopped fighting so hard. He figured he’d go with something down the middle.

"Yeah you're right, I have no idea. But I know Jeff would kick your ass for letting everything fall apart like this. Since he can't do that, I thought maybe I'd do it for him." Jared turned on the couch so he was looking at Jensen's profile. He watched as Jensen clenched his jaw, the muscles in his face flexing as he contained his anger until he couldn't any more.

"You're not him Jared. No matter how hard you try you will never be him. He's gone. You and your parents have to get that through your heads. You can't fill his shoes, no one can. And I have to live with that every day," he growled, tossing his now empty beer bottle to the floor, the glass clanking against the one already there. He was lashing out to try to hurt Jared, try to get him to retreat and Jared felt every one of those words as a direct hit. They were ones he'd thought himself. He couldn't fill Jeff's shoes. He didn't stack up and he knew it. He also knew that he wouldn't let his brother down and if that meant kicking Jensen's ass in the process, he'd do that too.

"You didn't kill him Jensen. Even if you called him up drunk from a party to come get you, you still wouldn't have killed him. No amounts of what ifs are going to change what happened. He picked you up from the airport because he was your best friend and he wanted to." Jared watched as Jensen's knee worked like a sewing machine needle and just as fast. He clenched and unclenched his hand repeatedly, his agitation obvious.

"Jared, just leave it. Go back to LA and your perfect life. You were able to leave; go somewhere else and live your life without the constant reminders. Don't think I don't know why you went. I get to live with this," he said angrily punching himself in his bad shoulder. "This I can't escape from. I get to remember every day; starting at 2:00 AM when I wake up in so much pain it's hard to breathe. Or when I go to take a pot of pasta off the stove and drop it on the floor, burning myself, because I suddenly lose strength in it. Or every time I jerk off and I have to wonder if I can get the whole job done. Yeah pretty hard not to forget."

Jensen's anger was pushing his buttons and he knew it. He'd always been sensitive when it came to Jensen and almost two years away hadn't changed that. Things that wouldn't bother him any other time were too much coming from Jensen. "You know what Jensen, you're right, I did get to leave, but you could have to. You didn't have to stay here, you could have done anything. And I get your shoulder was a shitty deal, but really, that's your excuse? Well screw you Ackles. For once I have to agree with your parents, you are so much more than just golf. You had the world at your feet and you chose to crawl inside your grief and let it run your life. Jeff wouldn't want that, hell even I don't want that for you. So suck it up and move the fuck on."

Jensen exploded off the couch, vibrating with pent up anger. If Jared was a smaller man, he'd be scared. Hell he was a little concerned as it was. Anger could make any man unpredictable.

"Don't you dare bring my parents into this. You don't know anything, so why don't you fuck off back to your perfect little life and leave me alone." Jensen paced back and forth in front of the couch, his face red with anger.

It was stupid. There was nothing that Jared could say or do to make Jensen snap out of whatever he was stuck in. It wasn't worth the upset to stay and take the kind of shit that he was dishing out. Jared stood and made his way to the door, swallowing down words that would only inflame the situation. He made it all the way to the door, hand on the knob, when a hat on a hook on the wall caught his eye. It was his brother's cap. The one he had always worn. Jensen had it all this time. It still meant something to him, maybe it meant too much. Whatever its meaning, it meant that Jared couldn't let Jeff down. He might not be able to fill his shoes, but that didn't mean he couldn't be a stand for Jensen. To be strong when Jensen couldn't, to believe when he couldn't and to push him when he'd given up.

"No," he said with steel in his voice. "You don't get to push me away because you're scared. I'm not going to let you. I might not be Jeff, but I know he would hate if I gave up on you just because you did." Jared moved back to the couch and sat back down, arms crossed in defiance.

Jensen just stared at him, confused. As if he wasn't sure what to do with someone that wouldn't be pushed away. He looked as if he were about to open his mouth to speak a couple of times before he stalked off into the kitchen and got another beer, bringing one for Jared as well, dropping it on the coffee table in front of him. He slumped into a ragged recliner and held his beer without drinking it, staring at it, making sure his eyes didn't meet Jared's. Deflated, all the anger fading as quickly as it had come. Jared wasn't fooled, he knew I wouldn't be that easy, but all he could do was try.

"So what's really going on?" He asked, leaving the beer on the table, no matter how much he could use it at the moment.

Jensen's shoulders started trembling, his grip on the beer bottle tightened and the words came out in a rush. Sobs punctuating the emotional roller coaster that had become Jensen's life. Caught in a circle of blame and anger he had turned all of it inward to the only target he had any control over; himself.

The story wasn't that different than many survivors of a traumatic experience. Survivor's guilt. He lived, Jeff died. But he didn't just die, he died pressed up against Jensen, covering him in blood and making him hold onto his cooling body until fire and rescue could free him. He lost his best friend and his career in an instant. He was able to grieve for his friend, but whenever he began to get angry or feel sorry for himself about his shoulder and his career, he was overwhelmed with guilt that he could have those thoughts when Jeff had paid with his life.

Jensen had resisted physical therapy only going when he couldn't bear the pain. He began to withdraw until the golf world all but abandoned him, friends stopped coming around and he barely seemed to notice. The only ones that kept coming back were Jared's parents and in an odd way that just made things worse. Reminding him of what he felt he cost the family. The farther he slipped into depression, the less sense his inner arguments made. He knew that, but it didn't stop it.

Jared could see that it was a vicious circle, he had struggled with his own anger and guilt sometimes so he could imagine how much harder it was for Jensen. He also knew there was a fine line between empathizing and enabling and if was going to help Jensen at all he needed err on the side of being a hard ass.

When Jensen stopped talking, Jared weighed what to say carefully, it wasn't going to be easy and he knew that he was going to have to be harsher than he would be otherwise. He asked the hard questions including 'Did he think Jeff would be proud of how he was living his life?' Jensen bristled and blustered before admitting begrudgingly that no, he wouldn't be. Words got heated, both got angry, but in the end it all came back to the one thing that bonded them together: Jeff. His words were as much a part of the conversation as if he were there; "do what makes you happy". Jensen didn't know anymore and Jared challenged him to find out by the time he returned the following day.

Before he left for the night, Jared was relieved to know that Jensen hadn't squandered his money that he'd won on the PGA tour and from sponsorship. His money manger had invested well and Jensen had punished himself by not using anything more that what he needed to live on and nothing more. That explained the sorry apartment and cheap beer. Jensen had a lot of work ahead of him and Jared was going to drag him along until he had enough momentum to keep going himself.

The following day Jared drove Jensen around looking for a new apartment in a better neighborhood. The day began awkward with lots of silence, by the third apartment they were having tentative conversations and by the time Jensen signed a lease on apartment number five, they were discussing next steps. Jared urged him to use his communications degree when he heard that the networks had originally wanted him to do spot commentary on air when he'd first been injured. He'd turned them down flat and slowly the offers stopped coming in.

Jensen shook his head and looked out the window as Jared drove them to find something to eat. "No I'm done with golf. I just don't want to go back there, even if they would have me." Jared could understand that, but they were no closer to finding out what Jensen wanted to do. He'd been prodding all day and got nowhere. Jared hoped dinner would help.

Jensen directed him to a small diner with chrome stools at the counter and red leather booths, the waitresses looked like they'd been around as long as the decor, but it was charming and homey. The ladies behind the counter greeted Jensen as a long lost son, calling him sugar and fussing over him. Jared watched with astonishment as a change came over Jensen, his eyes lit up and the smile Jared hadn't seen in years showed itself. The transformation continued, after they were seated and he explained the history of the diner and the quirky items on the menu left over from an era long since forgotten. Jared was dumbfounded.

Suddenly realizing the Jared was sitting silently, his mouth slightly agape Jensen asked, "What?"

"You," Jared said surprised.

Jensen looked perplexed, "Me what?"

"You, this place, I just," Jared shook his head, "Wow." Jensen rubbed his neck self-consciously. It was obvious that he'd been to the place before, but it was the joy and zeal with which he talked about it that was so completely engaging, it had drawn Jared in. He wanted to hear more about the framed bullet hole in the wall behind the soda fountain and why the juke boxes only played seventies rock ballads. Jensen had told each story with a kind of delight that made you lean forward to hear what happened next. But it was nothing compared to the delight in which he described the food, that had made Jared's mouth water, wondering how many he could successfully try without exploding. In a moment of complete clarity, Jared realized he found Jensen's happy.

"This, you should do this," he blurted, his hands flailing as he attempted to gesture what 'this' entailed.

"I should work in a diner? No offence Jared, but I don't think I'm cut out for that." Jensen said wryly.

Jared shook his head again, "No, not work here. But this, the way you describe it, your excitement, do something with that. I don't know what exactly, but this is your happy."

Jensen looked at him quizzically, trying to absorb what he was saying. "I love places like this, but I don't see what I can do with that."

Jared brushed his hair back, lost in thought. "I don't know but there has to be something. Let's think on it while I eat my way through the menu." He flashed Jensen a grin and flagged down the waitress. The meal itself was quiet, both men lost in thought in how to parlay a love for diners into a career, short of buying one.

It was only after Jensen started telling Jared about a steak place where the dark decor and meat and potatoes fare were stylishly upscale, did it hit them both. It wasn't just diners that made Jensen happy, it was good food, beer, hell even wine. He not only was a fantastic cook, he knew good food and great pairings. He was a damned foodie and restaurant critic rolled into one. That was something that he could parlay into a career of some sort or another. It was a place to start even though neither of them knew what that looked like quite yet.

They got back to Jensen's and made a checklist for the next day, Jared hitting the bathroom before heading out. Washing his hands he saw the prescription bottles lined up defiantly on a shelf. He picked each one up noting the date and medication. He recognized some pretty heavy stuff and others were completely a mystery to him. On impulse he gathered them all up and steeled himself for the coming confrontation.

Jensen was in the kitchen, popping the top on beer, flipping through his phone, making notes on a pad of paper. Jared silently put the pill bottles down one by one in a line on the counter, not saying a word. Jensen smile slipped as he looked up from what he was working on and both men stared at the medical line of accusation.

"Are you asking a question?" Jensen finally asked, looking up at Jared, his jaw clenched tight and all the lightness of earlier in the evening gone.

"I just need to know that this isn't a problem and if it is, no new job or apartment is going to make a difference." Jared asked as plainly as he could, not wanting to waste his time fixing something that wasn't the root of the problem.

Jensen was quiet for a good minute before answering. They were a problem but not in the way Jared had thought; in fact it was the opposite. Jensen used his pain to punish himself for living, taking the pain until it got to be too much and only then would he take what he needed to take it away. He wasn't addicted to the medication, but he might have been to the need to punish himself, he told Jared.

"Fuck Jen, that has to stop. I don't know what your therapist has been doing for the past two years, though I doubt you were a stellar patient, but you need to get this dealt with." With any other person Jared would have gathered them up in his arms and held on. But this was Jensen, he just couldn't do that; he didn't trust himself to keep the distance that he needed to keep himself safe.

Jensen nodded, resigned. He knew that his guilt over Jeff's death couldn't be pushed aside with a new job, he needed to finally deal with all the pain he had wrapped himself in since the accident. "I know."

"I can ask mom to recommend someone or do you want to find someone?" Jared asked, knowing that as a social worker, his mom had lots of contacts and could get Jensen in with someone right away, but he wanted Jensen to have a choice as well.

Jensen played with one of the bottles on the counter, his beer completely forgotten. "Your mom," he said, the words catching in his throat. He cleared it and tried again, "If your mom knows someone that would be great."

Jared nodded, not sure what he should do. Leaving now, didn't feel right, but he didn't know what staying would do either. He wasn't worried about leaving Jensen; he just didn't like the note the evening ended on. "I'll call you tomorrow okay?" He finally decided on leaving Jensen, it had been a challenging day with both ups and downs. He'd need time to regroup and Jared couldn't help with that.

The next day was full of phone calls. Jared's mom called in a favor and got Jensen in to see a therapist later in the day. Megan rounded up a bunch of friends who were ready to help move Jensen later in the week, grateful for once for all the big trucks her friends drove, instead of berating them about the evils of pollution.

Jared spent the day with his old mentor from the San Antonio College of the Arts. He got a list of people that Jensen could contact to inquire about a job. When he made his way to Jensen's to check in after the therapist appointment, he found a grinning Jensen, oddly shy, shuffling his feet and rubbing the back of his neck; the smell of something wonderful wafting from the tiny kitchenette. Jared didn't know what to make of it and Jensen wasn't exactly forthcoming.

"I got dinner to say thanks for everything. I know this wasn't how you wanted to spend your vacation," he said uncertainly, ushering Jared into the living room, already stacked with empty boxes to pack, where a feast of authentic Mexican takeout sat waiting.

Jared was uncomfortable, he certainly didn't want Jensen to think they could become close friends or that he could be a substitute for Jeff, there was too much baggage between them for that to happen. He thought he'd been clear, this was more for Jeff than about Jensen. He didn't want it to mean anything more than that. Uncomfortably, he sat on the couch and accepted the empty plate offered to him. "Ah, thanks, I think," he mumbled, filling his plate with food, not immune to the power of his stomach.

Trying to steer them back to the purpose of his visit, he asked about the therapist. The appointment had gone well; it was going to take time to work through the guilt and grief that he hadn't dealt with since Jeff's death. The great thing about the therapist that his mom found was that he flat out said that his job was done right when Jensen was no longer a patient. He didn't want him to be a permanent fixture in his office unlike his other therapist. The first thing he had to do was to set up a series of appointments with his physiotherapist and start looking after himself, which he'd done when he got home.

Jensen cleared the table and got them both another beer and a plate of chocolate brownies and a tub of ice cream, the shy grin back on his face.

Jared turned the conversation to the list of contacts he got from his mentor, his discomfort softened by the brownies and ice cream. Jensen was surprised and obviously touched. He genuinely thanked Jared before unveiling the piece of news that had made him giddy all evening. Jensen had taken a volunteer position with San Antonio Magazine that covered arts and culture in the area. As he described the role he would play, that would start with lots of grunt work, the enthusiasm that Jared had seen in the diner had returned.

"Jared, I can't thank you enough. I don't think I would have ever thought about doing something like this if you didn't see it in me. You've always seen things in me that I never saw in myself. I just... I want... ah hell," he faltered, levering himself forward taking Jared be surprise and kissed him soundly.

Stunned Jared sat motionless for a moment before push Jensen away. "What the hell Jensen!" Jared stood up his empty brownie plate clattering to the ground. His minded raced through memories that were almost a mirror image of this moment. His heart hurt and anger flared, as he realized, once again, how much he was not immune to Jensen. "I came here because of Jeff, because that's what he'd want me to do. He never would have wanted you to waste your life like you were doing. But I sure as hell didn't come here with a hope there could be something between us," he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his lips betraying his anger as they still burned with Jensen's touch. "Jesus."

Jensen stood as well, if not angry, aggravated "And I'm grateful, without you I'd still be on the couch doing nothing. I wanted you to know how much it meant to me, how much it means to me that it was you." Jensen said, arms crossed, defiant and definitely not repentant.

Years of anger that Jared had thought he set aside bubbled to the surface, it was as if he was a teenager again, his emotions getting the better of him. "Grateful, you're fucking grateful and what? I get the thrill of kissing you to repay your debt? Well fuck you!" He roared, not caring that his emotions were pushing him over some line that never really got clearly defined between them.

Jared grabbed his jacket and was out the door before a stunned Jensen could respond. He was half way home before the first tinge of regret showed itself. When it came to Jensen he always felt slightly off balance, never completely sure if he was in the right or if he was over reacting. Once again he found himself second-guessing himself and his actions. Maybe leaving now was ultimately for the best. It was too exhausting to try and figure out who was right, who was wrong or if it even mattered.

In the end, Jared chose not to return Jensen's calls. He let Megan and his parents take over. He was going home anyway and Jensen was moving forward with getting his life back on track. Much better that he just leave than try to dissect their ability to piss each other off, misunderstand and aggravate. It seemed not to matter what the circumstances, it took very little to go from cordial, to one of them doing something stupid and provoking intense emotions, both good and bad. Jared was determined to put Jensen and that part of his life behind him. There would be no need for them to ever meet again and even though Jared knew it was for the best there was some small part of him that was saddened that he would finally be leaving his childhood super hero, his adolescent white knight and his adult nemesis behind him.

 

 

 

CHAPTER TEN

Present, May 2012

 

Waking up beside Jensen was the most natural thing in the world. Jared watched as he nuzzled closer, as if he felt the difference between an awake Jared pillow and an asleep one. Jared kissed the top of his head and drew him even closer, his body slowly rousing to the warm heat of another body, his dick lengthening as he remembered the night before. They still hadn't made it past blow jobs, the urgency of need and the desperation of want kept them racing too fast and too far to hold back for anything else.

Not that Jared cared. He was in this thing for the long haul and there were years ahead where slow and sweet would be on the taster’s menu. Jensen twitched in his sleep, making Jared grin. His hands fluttered briefly like he'd seen Jensen do so many times in conversation. It was endearing, making Jared wondered who he was talking to and what was being said in his dream.

Shifting gently, he ran his hand down the expanse of golden skin that he knew lay beneath the sheet and Jensen relaxed into the his touch, his eyelids flickering as he slowly pulled himself out of sleep and into the reality of his lovers arms.

"What time?" Jensen asked hoarsely, without cracking open his eyes. Jared grinned at the gravelly sound, knowing he was partially to blame remembering the less than gentle way he ended up fucking Jensen's throat only hours ago.

"Almost eight-thirty."

Jensen groaned, hair sticking up in unruly tufts. Never the morning person, Jared knew from legendary stories shared by Jeff that Jensen was useless without coffee in the morning. Even though they'd managed six hours of sleep, Jensen needed to be out the door in less than thirty minutes and that was not making him any happier.

"Guess morning sex is out," he grumped, making Jared laugh. He wondered if morning sex was as helpful as caffeine to Jensen in the morning, deciding to file that thought for future reference. Jensen rubbed a palm across his face, finally cracking one eye open and looking up at Jared. He allowed a slow smile to spread, changing him instantly from grumpy-rumpled to hot as hell.

"Wish I had more time," he said softly pressing himself along Jared's cock already standing at full alert.

Jared's stomach flip-flopped. He was done holding back from Jensen. He didn't want to be shielding his heart anymore. This was his time, their time. And nothing was going to stop him from holding on to that. "We have all the time in the world Jen. I'm not going anywhere." Jensen blinked, hearing exactly what Jared meant and for once not needing a translator or his communications degree.

"I swear Jared, when this festival is all over, we'll talk. For once we'll talk and get this right," he said green eyes shimmering with emotion, making Jared swallow down words that threatened to escape. He wasn't holding back, he just wanted to have time to show Jensen as well as tell him. Instead he leaned in, morning breath be damned, and kissed his lover soundly, before swatting him on the hip and nudging him out of bed. “If you stay any longer, you're going to be late and need to wear a turtleneck to cover the marks I want to leave all over you."

Jensen stood, pulling the bedding with him, "That better be a promise you can keep later," he said, turning and walking his perfect, naked ass into the bathroom for a shower.

~*~*~

The second day of Chef's Challenge was even better than the first, as the rapport between the judges had solidified over the past three days, culminating in last night’s Karaoke. They were relaxed and enjoying themselves. Jared was hyper-aware of Jensen's presence, and did everything he could not to stare adoringly at his lover. Katie, he was sure, knew. She kept looking from one to the other, a determined smile on her face. Jared didn't care. Once the festival was over, he'd be glad to have it as a headline in the papers if anyone but the two of them thought it was in the least bit news worthy. Nothing could keep the smile off his face or the curl of desire from his gut.

Jensen was on a tight timeline as exec producer for the Chef's Challenge special airing that night so after the dessert round he was able to grab Jared for a moment in a deserted hallway for a kiss and a grope before heading off to the editing room.

Jared headed back to the hotel, relaxed and happy. He lay on the couch thinking about Jeff and what his brother would think of his best friend and his little brother falling in love. Knowing Jeff he was up there somewhere wondering what the hell had taken them so damn long. The mental image made Jared laugh. He felt giddiness bubble up to the surface as he thought about telling his folks and Megan. The family had always kept in touch with Jensen. His parents had even attended an awards show with Jensen a couple of years back. He knew telling them wouldn't be an issue either. His mind swirled, jumping way too far ahead to maybe even having a family one day. He didn't care that his mind was on fast forward. They had years of time to make up. Years of memories that they never made.

His cell rang, jolting him out of the future and planting him firmly back in the present with a crick in his neck from trying to fit his six foot four inch frame on a far too small couch. It was Jensen. Smiling he answered with a throaty, 'Hey, miss you already," not caring if he sounded needy, he was. His body thrummed with want as he waited for Jensen to return.

Jensen stifled a groan. "God Jared, you make it hard to stay and work."

"I hope I make it hard when you're here too," he joked, stretching from his uncomfortable position.

"I have a couple of hours left, we've hit a snag and have to do some lead in shots again," he grumped. "I can meet you at dinner, dessert the latest," he said hopefully.

Jared smiled, he could wait. He'd go with Katie and Gabe, knowing that their table was reserved and Sam and Jeff would be joining them as well. "S'fine. Call me and let me know if you want me to order you something. I want you to keep your strength up for later," he said, lowering his voice suggestively.

Jensen growled into the phone, "I don't think that's going to be a problem, Jay," he responded, shortening Jared's name in a way that Jared usually hated, but from Jensen, it made him melt a little.

"No, I don't believe it is. Call me when you're just about done and I'll make sure you're fed."

"Thanks, I'll be there as soon as I can. And tell Katie to fuck off if she gives you too much shit for that big sappy smile you've been wearing all day," Jensen joked.

Jared laughed, his dimples flexing with mirth. "You're one to talk Ackles. I take it you don't care if they know?"

"Nope, not a bit. You're mine Padalecki and I want everyone to know it. The sooner the better."

Jared grinned, knowing he looked just as sappy as Jensen had accused him of looking. "Call me."

"I will," he smiled into the phone before hanging up.

~*~*~

In the end Sam and her husband didn't join them and it was just Jared with Katie and Gabe. The dinner was fabulous and the banter between Katie and Gabe was amusing, leaving Jared to sit with a silly grin on his face waiting for Jensen's call. When the call came, he didn't hide who it was or how happy it made him. Jensen was going to be delayed even further and they made plans to meet back at Jensen's room later. He hung up with a grin.

Katie reached over and smacked his arm, "I knew it!" She squealed, while Gabe looked on curiously. "You guys ARE getting it on. You little sneak. Ok cats out of the bag now, spill," she demanded.

"A gentleman never tells," he said jokingly with his hand over his heart. "Seriously, nothing to tell. It's been a long time coming, but I don't think either of us was expecting it. What can I say? Some things are just meant to be."

Katie inched her chair closer and peppered him with questions, which he fended off for the most part. Gabe's curiosity seemed to wane rather quickly as he pulled out his phone and began rapid-fire texting before excusing himself from the table.

Jared chatted for a few more minutes, feeling relief that he finally had someone to share his happiness with. Before Katie could delve for more intimate details he excused himself for the washroom. He knew his smile couldn't get any wider. He couldn't remember when he felt this fantastic. He remembered the low timbre of Jensen's voice in his ear telling him just how sorry he was for missing dinner and exactly what he was planning to do to make it up to him. Alone in the bathroom he adjusted himself as his cock took interest at the memory. Pissing with a half hard, was not something he wanted to attempt in his perfectly pressed suit. Finishing up he washed his hands and stared at the person looking back at him in the mirror. Happy, that's what he saw. He was finally happy. Just outside the door came a loud crash, one that signaled someone had dropped a very full tray of very expensive glassware.

Leaving the restroom he found himself wedged in a hallway while a tray of broken glasses and spilled drinks was cleaned up. Behind him was a side exit and the waiter apologetically told him it might be faster to go through the door and around to the front of the restaurant. He didn't mind, it gave him a chance for some fresh air and to cool down.

Inside the front door in an alcove he recognized Gabe talking excitedly on the phone. Not meaning to eaves drop as he waited for a large group to clear the entrance, he heard his name and instinctively leaned in to hear why Gabe would be talking about him. Suddenly filled with dread that Gabe was selling his client’s story of romance to the tabloids for free publicity, Jared hid himself just out of sight and listened, dreading having to tell his lover that someone he trusted was betraying him. He tried to slow his pounding heartbeat as he strained to hear the one-sided conversation.

_  
_

_"Looks like we can go with the original cover"_

_........................_

_"Jensen managed to get guys brother in bed so that works in our favor"_

_........................_

_"I knew he'd come around to our way of thinking"_

_........................_

_"That picture of the two of them together and now he's dating the brother, seriously that book will shoot to up the best sellers list."_

_........................_

_"Keep stalling with the other investors, we should have enough money for him to launch those restaurants by the end of the summer."_

 

Jared stepped away in a daze. His mind jumping over all the details he'd heard, his heart plummeting in his chest. Jensen's book wasn't about food as he had just assumed it would be, it was about Jeff and the accident. He was using Jeff and the tragedy to raise money for a chain of restaurants. He'd been used. Jensen had used his whole family. He needed to get away. He needed to think. He might even need to hit something.

He managed to make it back to the hotel without punching something, stopping at the front desk to request all calls be held. The icy cold fist that squeezed his heart contrasted the anger burning in his gut. It was hard to breathe, and it was harder to think. He had fallen for Jensen all over again and this time the hurt was irreparable. He needed to confront Jensen, he needed to have it out with him once and for all and then close the door and chain it shut. Any thoughts of 'soul mates' had disappeared leaving a gaping hole in his chest, and him fumbling around his room in a daze. He began packing his bags after raiding the minibar for a shot; he wanted to be able to leave, as soon as he talked to Jensen. There was no point in staying any longer; he just wanted to be in his own four walls to wallow for however long it took.

 

~*~*~

 

He was scarcely an hour later when there was a pounding on his door. Jared glanced at his watch; it couldn't be Jensen, too early for him to be done. Judging from how many times his phone signaled a new text in the last hour, he figured it was Katie wondering what the hell happened to him. He wasn't up for her prying and perkiness right then. "I'm not here," he yelled in the general direction of the door, nursing his second drink, not wanting to be rip-roaring drunk for his confrontation with Jensen.

He heard a muffled, distinctly not feminine voice, through the door. Fuck. He wasn't ready for this. He didn't know that he'd ever be ready, but it was time to pull on his big boy pants and do what he should have done years ago; cut Jensen out of his life.

He steeled himself for what was to come, he was never good at confrontation and this was a culmination of all his nightmares in one. He opened the door and walked back into the suite without looking at Jensen or saying a word.

"Jared, are you ok? You scared the sit out of me. Katie said you disappeared and wouldn't return her texts and the front desk wouldn't put her call through. She called me and I came straight here. What happened?" Jensen asked, voice slightly panicked. Jared couldn't help but wonder if he was that good an actor or if Gabe had caught him listening and filled him in on what he might have heard. With Jensen there, his anger that had burned bright, had been banked as he waited. Not that he wasn't angry, he was. Maybe the alcohol mellowed him, making him more melancholy. He dropped to the couch and grabbed his drink.

Jensen came and sat next to him, concern radiating off him as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on. He placed a hand on Jared's leg in an effort to soothe, only to make him jerk away. "Don't touch me," he growled not caring that Jensen visibly flinched as if he'd been hit and just stared at Jared open mouth. The touch seemed to touch something off in Jared, anger resurfacing quickly.

"You don't get to touch me like it means something anymore Jensen. You lost that right when you decided to fuck my family over for your benefit. Wonder what Jeff would think now, hey? Guess you justify it by telling yourself that you're just doing what makes you happy. Well fuck that!" he all but shouted. "I can't stop you, but I can sure as hell stop you from using me as a pawn in your little scheme."

Jensen sat there looking perplexed, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water, as he looked for words. "You know what really hurts is that you sold me this shit about sharing our memories of Jeff, how great that would be and all along you were just trying to what? Get me on board? Create publicity, good or bad, in case I lost my shit? What was your angle Jensen? Surely you don't think I'd be okay with this?"

Jensen stood up holding his hands in a placating gesture. "Jared, there's been some kind of mistake," he said glancing around the room he saw Jared's packed bags and his eyes narrowed and his demeanor changed from defense to offence. "Are you serious?" he said. "You were going to take off weren't you? Just like you did years ago, never telling me what the hell I did or giving me any opportunity to defend myself. Well bravo Jared you've come a long way." He stood glaring at Jared, gone was the man desperately trying to figure out what was going on, replaced with one that was equally as angry as Jared.

Jared was stunned. He had no right to be mad, not after what he did. No way. The two men glared at each other silently waiting for the other to speak first. Jared blinked first, wanting for once to be able to stand up to Jensen. "First I wasn't running anywhere, I was going to tell you to fuck off first. And second, where the hell do you get off coming at me when you're the one selling my brother's memory for profit?" Jared railed and he was just getting started. A torrent of words came next as he told Jensen exactly what he'd overheard. He didn't gloss over anything, becoming more and more angry as he relived the moment that he learned his lover had betrayed him. "He's as much as a slime-ball as you are Jensen. You should have seen how gleeful the fucker was that you were using me to get the cover on your book changed. Seriously did you think if I let you fuck me that I'd actually think it was a good idea? Things with you just don't change do they Jensen, same old two-faced bastard that you've always been."

Jensen looked like he was going to slug him and for a moment Jared was uncertain, thinking he'd gone too far. He shook off the uncertainty remembering that he wasn't the one in the wrong here.

"Jesus Christ Jared you really don't think much of me do you? I don't know what you think you heard or what the hell Gabe said because I wasn't there, but even if it went down exactly as you've said, I would expect at the very least you'd respect me and what we were building between us to check with me first before you go into classic Jared martyr mode. Since you think you have all the answers already, you won't mind sitting your ass right there for minute while I get what you're looking for from my room." Jensen stormed off leaving Jared completely off balance. This was not going the way he planned. All those years of conflicting emotions about Jensen were just compounded tenfold. He couldn't be wrong, could he?

Jensen came back, closing the door a little more firmly than necessary, echoing his anger. He threw an unopened, two-inch thick, manila envelope on Jared's lap. "I think you'll find what you're looking for in there," he snarled, standing arms crossed not looking like a man who felt the need to apologize. Jared was confused. He looked from Jensen to the envelope to back again. He'd never seen Jensen this way before, not even after Jeff died and he was throwing his life away. No this was different. This wasn't lashing out, this was genuine anger. Jared's confidence slipped farther. "I'm not opening your mail," he started, lifting the envelope toward Jensen only to have him take it, rip it open and dump it back on his lap. "That's how confident I am on what's in there. Gabe brought it with him for sign off on the final proofs; I've already seen it all via email. Go ahead look."

Jared pulled out the stack of papers; an obvious manuscript, some legal documents and some photo-proofs for the cover. He set the legal stuff and manuscript aside and went straight for the photo proofs. The first one was a photo of San Antonio, the distinctive Tower of the America's lit up and reaching toward the night sky. Written in the black of the night in large letters "Choosing Happiness" and then beneath in smaller letters, "when the world leaves you in the dark". The next photo was for the back cover, a picture of Jensen on a golf course, leaning on a club and staring out over the green, with a blurb about Jensen. The last photo had a sticky note on it asking Jensen to reconsider it as the cover and not the first one. The photo was of the crime scene and the wrecked car that Jeff had died in. It hit him as hard as the first time he saw it, his stomach lurching as he fought back the tell tale pricks behind his eyes for tears that threatened. "This is what I was talking about," he said with steel in his voice. "How could you even consider it?"

"I didn't. Not once. That was all Gabe. He thought if we alluded to the accident then people would want to buy the book since we've never talked about it in public. Believe me he tried long and hard to get me to write a chapter about it the very least. I never considered it Jared. Not once. But nice to see you were willing to sleep with me, but you didn't trust me. Nice." Jensen grabbed the manuscript and flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for. "I wrote a prologue about Jeff and his belief in finding what made you happy, but I never talked about the accident, not at all, other than it happened," he shoved the pages at Jared who immediately saw the picture of Jeff and Jensen wearing the old golf outfits and mugging for the camera. He looked accusingly at Jensen, before being shot down again. "I asked your parents’ permission and even let them read the prologue. They gave me their blessing months ago. Go ahead call them," he said flipping Jared his phone. "It's one reason I didn't bother bringing up the details about the book, because I figured you already knew.

“The fact you thought I'd be capable of such deception for profit is beyond me. I wrote this for me more than anything else. It was a way to say I'd come full circle and I survived. I couldn't give a rat's ass if I make dime off it," Jensen huffed crossing his arms and finally sitting down.

"What about the restaurants? Gabe said you needed money to open them?" Jared asked still confused, though no longer angry.

"Jared that's what agent's do they are constantly coming up with 'what's next' for their clients. I'm sure you've had a similar experience. It doesn't mean I'm fully on board or even that it will happen. I've been asked by some investors to think about it and they would come up with a 60% stake in the venture. I don't want my name on something that I don't at least have a majority on so I was holding off. That doesn't mean Gabe still isn't trying to work every angle."

"And what? You're okay with that? That he does this behind your back?" Jared asked incredulously, turning to the picture of Jensen and his brother again, not letting go completely of how wrong he'd been.

Jensen raised his eyebrow with disdain. "Did I say that? No of course I'm not good with it. He's done a good job for me for the most part. He's a little pushy, but I never thought he'd pull shit like this. Believe me, we will be having a conversation and if he's not good with what I have to say then he's gone. I don't put up with underhandedness Jared, but I also believe in giving him a chance to explain. Something you didn't think was necessary."

Jensen reached into the mini-fridge and pulled out a beer, not caring that it was Jared's room. He deserved a beer after feeling liked he'd been clothes lined as he was almost in the end zone. "I still don't get it Jared. You did the same thing back in college. You never told me what the hell happened the night of my grad, you just shut me out. At first I thought you were pissed that I convinced Rick to back off, but I just could never buy that theory."

Jared shifted uncomfortably, "It wasn't that you got that asshole to back-off, it's what you said to make him do it," Jared said, flinching inwardly at what sounded distinctly like a whine.

Jensen looked confused, rubbing the back of his neck and taking another sip of beer. "What?" He asked, obviously perplexed.

Jared cleared his throat and told Jensen what he had overheard. He didn't need to tell Jensen how it made him feel, the look on his face must have said it all.

"Well fuck," Jensen said a little bewildered. "So you overheard me getting him to fuck off and all you could think was that I meant it? Fuck Jared," he said with exasperation, "Did I ever do anything to you to make you believe I was that big of an asshole? I mean it was all I could do to keep myself from constantly touching you that night. I had to go dance before I jumped you in front of the whole grad class for fucks sake." Jensen finished his beer, placing it on the table a little more soundly that necessary, his frustration evident. "Jared I've wanted you in some form or another for far longer than I'm comfortable in admitting. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. The fact that you think I would makes me really wonder why you ever wanted me in the first place if I was such a jerk in your mind," Jensen paused, rubbing the back of his neck. Suddenly he was at a loss for what to say next. Everything he wanted to say was too final to say out loud.

Jared's head was swimming, how could he have been so wrong in so many ways? His face flushed with embarrassment and he could hear his heart pounding in his ears, his breathing became short and rapid. He needed time to think, his whole world had been thrown upside down in a matter of minutes. He'd believed for so long that Jensen had done him wrong over the years that just trying to think of everything from Jensen’s point of view was too much. He put his head in his hands, questions bubbling to the surface more quickly than he could form words. He needed time to figure out how he'd been so horribly wrong.

Jensen came and sat next to him, rubbing his back between his shoulder blades, trying to soothe him. "I guess this is the reason we should have been better at communicating all these years," Jensen said wryly.

Jared managed to snort at that, lifting his head to look at Jensen reluctantly. "We could always start now?" he asked softly, his voice wavering slightly, not knowing how they could get past this; feeling sick that he was the one that caused it. He didn't know where they would go from here, but he knew, at the very least, he owed it Jensen to make some sort of amends.

 

 

 

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Epilogue, January 2013

 

Jared pulled into the driveway, met by the dogs running out to greet him. It felt good to finally be home; it had been a tough year and moving into a new house and building the life he finally deserved was the reward he earned for all his hard work. That Jensen felt the same way and was inside waiting for him sure helped.

After the Festival last year they had decided that Jared needed to figure himself out before they could even considered dating. It was odd for Jared at first; he'd believed for so long that he had been in the right about the past that there were many more downs than ups in the first few months. He refused his mom's offer of setting him up with a counselor, instead he did a lot of soul searching, began writing a journal and every day he began to remove the baggage one layer at a time, like peeling an onion. The first month he talked to Jensen briefly once a week, just touching base and keeping the connection open, but not enough for it to become a crutch. The second month they began to speak more frequently and by the third month they were talking almost daily, often for hours. Sometimes they just talked about their day or silly things they'd seen or heard, other times it was about work and new projects and slowly as their confidence in each other grew, they talked about more personal things, finally getting to know each other in ways they had missed out on over the years.

Jared began to understand that it was his insecurity in himself that lead him to doubt Jensen. Jensen had always been his knight in shining amour yet he never quite understood why Jensen had wanted to know him; what did he have to offer someone like Jensen. Right from that first day in the playground and all the way through school; even with the bravado in his teens, deep down he was still awkward and unsure. He always doubted himself and in the end had started to use Jensen as a reflection for his own self-doubt. The day that realization hit him it was as if the floodgates opened and he began to really understand who he was and how he got there. He was able to forgive himself and was forgiven by Jensen in a conversation that lasted long into night. It was what allowed Jensen to open the door wide enough for Jared to step through again.

Not surprising, Jared was itching to see Jensen again, somewhere other than on his show, which Jared DVR'd religiously. At that point there was little doubt that they would start dating, they were virtually dating as it was, with phone calls late into the night that skirted the edges of propriety as they both began to yearn for something more, something physical.

Their first date was to see a band that Jensen's friends played in. The second date was for dinner with Jared's family, which surprisingly was less awkward than either of them would have thought, more like old times than anything else. Their third date was to watch the Cowboys play at Jensen's house, which was more making out than first downs, every touch more heated than the last until they both gave up all pretence of watching the game and left a trail of clothes from the couch to the bedroom where they only emerged to order food and grab water. They were pretty much inseparable from then on, having finally built a solid foundation for their relationship. By Christmas they were talking about combining households, by February they had put their own places up for sale and began searching for something together. There was no rush--they wanted to find the right place, one that would be theirs for a long time. Somewhere to maybe raise children and grow old together.

That brought them to here, their new home, two dogs and plenty of space for anything else that came along. Jensen had moved in first, his house had sold a few months earlier while Jared moved things in bit by bit waiting for his own place to sell. Today was his official moving in day, the last of his stuff tossed haphazardly in the back of his SUV, a brown paper package on the seat beside him; a kind of house warming gift for Jensen.

He opened the door and gave both excited pups a pet as they wriggled and jumped over each other for his attention. Grabbing the package and a duffle full of stuff he made his way to the house, the dogs winding through his legs, doing their best to trip him. Jensen stood in the open door, watching the procession with a grin, knowing this was the first day of forever in their lives of living together. Jared grabbed a kiss as he managed to slide past him and into the entryway, dropping his duffle on the hardwood floor.

The dogs pushed past him, sniffing the bag earnestly as Jensen closed the door and stepped up behind Jared to slip his arms around his waist, kissing his neck as he straightened up.

"Mmmmm you smell good. Showered before you came over?" he said, inhaling the scent of Jared's woodsy shower gel.

Jared leaned back into the embrace, enjoying Jensen's strength. "Yeah, I had one last run in the old neighborhood. I stopped at the gym for a shower on the way."

"Makes me want to get you dirty all over again," Jensen growled, his chin resting on Jared's shoulder.

Jared turned in Jensen's embrace, kissing him with the same intensity as their first night together. Their passion hadn't ebbed; every encounter was as intense as the last, every touch fuel to the fire. "Two things first and then you can mess me up all you want."

"Two things? You'll be lucky if you get one, you know how I love freshly showered, hair still damp, Jared."

Laughing, remembering how many times one or the other of them had been late because of Jensen's love of freshly showered Jared. He kissed him again. "It's what made us late for dinner with my folks the last three times."

Jensen shrugged unapologetically. "So what two things?"

"Food and this," he said putting the paper package into Jensen's hand.

Jensen looked at the package warily, "What's this?"

"It's something I should have done a long time ago and I wanted it to be a surprise. So, surprise!" he said with an impish grin, his dimples twinkling mischievously.

Jensen carefully opened the package, sliding out a bound manuscript. He raised an eyebrow questioningly and Jared encouraged him to continue with a nod. "O2, Redemption?"

Jared nodded again, "I finally gave O2 the ending he deserved." Jensen looked confused and then the realization dawned on him. They hadn't talked much about Jared's first book, just that once, the first night of the festival when they had gone to a diner to talk. Though unspoken, they both knew that O2 was a character based on Jensen, who started out a hero and turned to the dark side by the end of the book. Despite numerous requests, Jared had never done a sequel and O2's fate had been left undecided.

"What did you do?" Jensen asked, a lump forming in his throat.

Jared took the manuscript from Jensen and began to flip through the pages, drawings and text telling the story. "I figured if we were going to do this thing I should write the story the way it should have been told. O2 didn't go dark side, he was undercover and his handler was capped before he could come in. He had to stay undercover, leading everyone to believe he was evil until he could get the real bad guys and clear his name and prove his innocence to his former best friend and sidekick. Who felt horrible for believing the worst of the best man he'd ever known."

Jensen stared at the pictures showing that O2 had been a good guy all along. It was a piece that he never knew he needed, somehow showing how they had come full circle. "Jay..." he never finished the sentence, choosing instead to haul Jared in for a voracious kiss, the manuscript quickly forgotten, slid down the wall to the floor. Jared let himself be manhandled, loving when Jensen took control, possessing him like no one had ever been able to. He gave as good as he got and enjoyed turning the tables on Jensen as well, but nothing got him hot faster than letting Jensen take control so he didn't have to. Fuck, dinner might just have to wait.

Jensen's hands were demanding, pulling at his clothes, pushing him against the wall, driving his hardness forward in search its eager counterpart. Jared moaned, spreading his legs slightly so Jensen could slot himself neatly into the space leaving no doubt who was in charge and what they would be doing. In one deft motion Jensen open Jared's pants, setting his already dripping cock free as its dusky head poked out of his boxer briefs in anticipation. He swiped a finger across the crown lifting a silver string of pre-ejaculate to Jared's lips and letting him suck the digit clean, before sampling it himself as he licked into Jared's mouth. Jared whimpered as he rubbed eagerly against Jensen.

"What about dinner," he managed in jest, knowing it would just spur Jensen on further as he tried to make Jared forget everything except him.

"I think dinner can wait," Jensen growled, as he tugged none too gently on Jared's hair, making his point as he urged Jared up the stairs to their room, the dogs skittering across the hardwood to get out of their way. Jared managed to shed his shirt in the hallway; his boots somewhere on the stairs and his pants lay inside-out at the foot of the bed, briefs still inside them. He edged backwards to the center of their bed, propping himself up on one elbow, while he stroked is cock as he watched Jensen slowly take off his clothes, allowing the anticipation to build. Jensen crawled onto the bed slapping Jared's hand away from his freshly shaved balls, "That's mine, Jay." He licked a long stripe up the underside of Jared's cock, making Jared arch toward the heat of his wicked mouth.

Jensen could bring him to the breaking point with his mouth in minutes and used that power often. He was relentless, knowing exactly how to get Jared to the point of no return and holding him there, making him whimper, howl and plead for release. He loved to make him come in the parking lot of their favorite restaurant after he'd all but tortured Jared through dinner with well placed touches or heated glances. Sometimes he'd drop to his knees on a secluded section of their regular run route and leave Jared panting and legs quivering under a leafy canopy of trees. It never got old; Jared loved that he could get him from zero to a hundred so quickly, but it didn't stop Jensen from turning the tables and spending the better part of an hour lavishing attention on Jared's cock and balls, often dipping further back to rim him until he came without any other stimulation.

Jared didn't much care if Jensen was in a fast or slow mood tonight, he lay back enjoying the anticipation and waiting for his turn to give as good as he got.

Jensen motioned with his head for Jared to pass him the lube with one hand, never stopping what he was doing with his mouth, as he held Jared's hips firmly to the bed with the other. Jared tossed him the lube, his eyes never leaving his lover. One handed Jensen managed the lube, flipping the lid and squeezing and ample amount below Jared's balls, the cool gel sliding down toward his hole, making him shiver for what was to come next. Circling the dusky pucker a few times, he plunged in his middle finger without warning, sending Jared bucking upward before pushing back trying to take more of him in. Smiling against the smoothness of Jared's balls, Jensen crooked his finger, brushing Jared's sweet spot, making him jabber for more.

He added another finger, corkscrewing them in and out in a way that Jared loved, before adding a third, stretching him for what was to come. Reluctantly he kneeled up, leaving Jared's aching cock twitching at the loss of his mouth. He hauled Jared's legs up and over his thighs, splitting him wide, his cock following the trail left by the lube and adding his own lubrication to the mix.

Condoms were a thing of the past for them, both having been tested twice in their long informal courtship. The thrill of skin on skin sex had been new to both of them, their first time over too quickly with the rush of the new sensations. Jared loved having Jensen's seed drip from his hole, marking him while the heat of his cock branded him in a way nothing else could.

Without a lot of preamble Jensen slid home in one sure stroke, holding Jared open, watching where their bodies were joined with a fascination that was renewed every time. Jared's ass swallowed him whole, pulsing eagerly around him for more. And Jensen didn't disappoint. Pulling back until just the head of his dick remained embedded in his lover, he slammed forward, knowing precisely where to aim to turn Jared into a writhing mass of intensity.

He smiled as incoherent words spilled from his lover’s mouth, his eyes fluttering shut causing Jensen to stop. Jared knew the drill, if he wanted to get off; Jensen wanted to see every emotion as he felt it and that meant if his eyes closed, Jensen stopped. It was a game they played, one where Jared gave up control to Jensen and Jensen made sure that he wrung every ounce of pleasure from the experience for both of them. It was intense, but so fucking hot. Jared held onto the slatted headboard and opened his eyes, his rock hard dick bouncing off his solid abs, as Jensen resumed his relentless rhythm until both men were teetering on the brink of no return and he shouted for Jared come. As Jared’s dick twitched and began to pulse unaided by any other stimulation, come streaked up his chest, hitting his chin as his eyes closed involuntarily. Jensen, too far gone to stop, lost his rhythm as he pounded his final strokes into Jared before flooding his heated channel, watching mesmerized as it oozed out around the base of his still embedded dick.

His arms shook as he leaned down over Jared, licking his come off his chin before devouring his mouth, leaving them even more breathless. Softening, he slowly withdrew as he eased himself down on top of Jared, not worried about crushing the bigger man and not caring that Jared's come was sticking them together in a way that would become uncomfortable if left too long.

"Fuck I love you," Jensen managed after catching his breath.

Jared chuckled, stroking his hand through Jensen's soft hair. "I love you too, you maniac."

Jensen lifted his head, eyes filled with concern. "I didn't hurt you did I?" he asked.

Jared soothed him with his hand on his back, "Not in any way I didn't want you to." Their lovemaking was always intense and afterward Jensen was often concerned that he'd gone too far, but he never had. It was what both of them wanted when Jensen was in control, when Jared took the reins things were more playful and less intense, but never boring.

"Quit worrying you goof," he said blowing a raspberry against Jensen's neck, causing the older man to erupt in laughter. It was their way; when one got intense the other balanced them out with a laugh or calming influence. It just worked.

Jensen snuggled back in, snuffling against Jared's neck. Whatever their roles were in the bedroom, there was never a power struggle. Jensen needed to give up control as much as Jared did, he just did it differently. "I love the book. Thank you," he said looking at Jared, his green eyes shining with emotion.

"My ass gathered that," Jared joked before getting serious again. "It was time. O2 was never bad and now the world gets the happily ever after that I already found."

Jensen leaned in and kissed him tenderly, the rest of their story would be theirs to write, together.

 

_~*~ fin ~*~_


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